Fear of not being okay?

@LegoLover98 Thanks for sharing, I’ve had ocd for something like 13 years now, I’ve known what it was for about 9 years. It can be really hard and go through different phases. Unfortunately for us, it’s really smart and once we think we’ve gotten past something, it finds something else to pick on. If you’re thinking about going to therapy, I’d definitely give it a shot. I’ve been in and out of therapy, but I find staying with it keeps me accountable for doing the hard work (Ik it’s so much easier to try to ignore it). And in reference to what you said about not being who you were anymore, i get it. I always struggle with change, and just the thought of being permanently changed by something scares me a lot. I’ve been trying to remember that change can be growth and transformation; not just something negative.

@Anonymous I believe I understand what you mean about it switching topics to find something else to pick on. Reviewing my past, and especially in the last 3-5 years, I think I recognize moments where it tried to hook me on my morality (something I care deeply about because I want to be a good person) and while it did work a little bit I eventually was able to move on, until it finally found something that I couldn't just bush off so easily and now it did hook me. It wasn't too noticeable at first, my ruminating and rationalizing it away actually worked for a while, like I'd go several months without worrying about it and when it came back I'd just do what I did before because it worked. You know, until it didn't. The periods of time in-between the "what if" questions got shorter and shorter, eventually other intrusive thoughts/images got introduced into my mind and eventually physical sensations like the groinal started appearing and it freaked me out bad. That's when I started doing testing/checking compulsions to "prove" that it wasn't real but that only made my brain move the goalposts. It would dig up memories from my past to use against me, make me feel like a hypocrite in regards to my morality and make me question if I'm secretly some sort of deviant or monster but didn't realize it. Logically I know that's all BS and I feel even more confident that it is after learning about OCD, bu learning to believe it emotionally is another story. I think I'm getting better at it but it's still tough some days. And yeah it's sad that I've likely changed somewhat to how I was, but who I become can be made stronger and more resilient. And just like how I'm not exactly who I was at 12 or 15 or 20 or even 25 last year, at the end of the day it IS still me. So just maybe, despite the hardship we both can become better versions of ourselves, to learn and grow and better know ourselves, which ironically is something this disorder doesn't want us to achieve.

@LegoLover98 Yeah believing it is so much harder. My god, I was hanging on to “I guess I’ll take your word for it” for the better part of 2024. It’s getting easier. Slowly. I like what you said in that last paragraph too. I’m the same age and I think our age leads us to think more about our identity/ accomplishments/ meaning of existence. I’ve been struggling with that too. I guess we’ve gotta stick with the idea that we are constantly changing, growing and becoming.