- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 19h
Sharing Advice for Relationship OCD Sufferers from a Recovered Sufferer
I see a lot of posts about this subtype and first want to say, it SUCKS. I've circled through a few subtypes and nothing deterred my life and ruined every day as much as R-OCD, so my heart goes out to anyone working through theirs. I hope you fight through ERP for your chance to heal <3 It's hard, but you're worth it! Beyond that, I want to share something that I feel often goes unstated but made a huge difference in my own recovery. Real quick, my story is: I was at 10 years in my relationship, 1.5 years engaged, 1 year away from a wedding, waking up feeling nauseous and disgusted every morning at the sight of my partner. I felt convinced that I faked the past 10 years of love and affection and that I wasted over a decade of my life and would never be happy whether I stayed or left, at this point. ^ That was before NOCD. This year, I’m 3 years past my last therapy session, 3 years married, and enjoy my husband and 1 year old son each and every day. The thing that really flipped a switch for me was when I expressed to my therapist that I felt one of my “intrusive thoughts” was valid enough to have a discussion with my partner about, and he responded, "It’s up to you if you think it’s worth discussing with your partner, but the important thing is that it's YOUR choice to discuss it, not OCD's." This changed how I viewed every criticizing thought about my partner. It actually helped me let more thoughts go because I realized I didn’t really care about his morning hair, his t-shirt collection, or his breathing pattern. And on the flip side, it helped me acknowledge when a thought was something I did care about and wanted to address in my relationship—of course, this involved taming my anxiety surrounding such matters, being open to my partner’s response, willing to trust his answer, and not bringing something up a million times. At that point, being together for 10 years had scarred us from rough patches aside from OCD, baggage we’d built up together, and lots of intertwined parts of our lives and selves that weren’t always intertwined in the best ways (i.e. losing yourself to your partner’s hobbies and things like that). What I’m saying is we had things to actually work on in our relationship. But OCD had been blurring the lines for so long between what actually mattered and what was just a fear. It was like OCD tried to distract me with miniscule annoyances (“why does his cheek twitch like that?”) and potential problems (“what if we get a divorce in another 10 years and then I wasted 20 years?”) as a way to protect me from facing the real, often more manageable problems in front of me. For example, I couldn’t control the way my partner breathed, but I COULD discuss how I wanted to start setting aside time to get back into my own hobbies. I couldn’t force my partner to be more outgoing, but I COULD express that it was important to me that we see friends more and ask if he was willing to help us work toward that goal. In giving myself the power to identify what truly mattered to me in the relationship and in my life, I was able to address such things (in a healthy, non-reassurance seeking way) and work toward a life free of OCD, plus full of things that mattered to me. So, for all those still working on R-OCD, remember that OCD thrives on unrealistic relationship ideals and over-the-top expectations. Despite what it wants you to believe, NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT, so don’t fight for that. But also don’t forget that you can care about your relationship. You can want to improve it and build a better one, just make sure the improvements you’re seeking are 1) realistic and 2) things that really matter to YOU. Sure, a big part of this work is learning to not act on intrusive thoughts, but another aspect (at least for me) was gaining back self-awareness. Who am I apart from OCD? I, myself, am a human being with often big feelings who cares immensely about the people I love. I like to be thoughtful and intentional with my words and actions. I like to create and converse and dance and sew. And none of that is OCD, it’s just me. I am a whole person, and yes, with that comes fears and worries, and yes, sometimes, because I have OCD, those fears and worries get the better of me. But that does not define me. I am NOT my OCD, and neither are you.