Im ACTUALLY irredeemable

I dont care what anyone says, i literally just know that my events are the worst out of everyones on this whole app. I have so many of them, and one in particular i dont think i could really ever tell anyone in full detail. Ive been looking into therapy recently because im so tired of living my life with these feelings of immense guilt and despair when i have such amazing and supportive people that keep my head on straight, but im scared to even disclose to a therapist because i dont know how they would react to my confessions. Im not even sure most therapists are even qualified to intake the issues id be laying down. It so gutwrenchingly awful to know that you try as hard as you can every day to be a good person, and by every measure you appear as a normal person or even a good person to most people but really all you do is wear a mask every day. Every time someone asks me if im okay i have to lie because if i told them the truth i would have nobody. I dont care if i made these mistakes as a literal child. It just doesnt matter to me because most people dont have to make the same mistakes i did to know better, its just straight up common sense. I think im just a gardbage throwaway human who HAPPENS to have OCD. I hope when i pass that whoever makes that final judgement on my soul truly has mercy on me because i really need it. I literally ruined my image of myself and therefore my life before it even got the chance to really start, i just wish so desperately i could be like everyone else. Nothing will ever allow me to go back in time so theres probably no path of redemption for me. Im sorry to everyone who cares about me, im really not who you perceive me to be as much as it pains me deeply to say

worryywart

Date posted: 27d

this is exactly how i feel and once i think i might be “over” or not thinking about one of my real events its like another one pops up, it feels like an endless loop :/ i’m so sorry you feel this way and i really do hope it gets better

Anonymous

Date posted: 25d

This is exactly what I'm going through right now and no one is responding to my post so it's making me think that I am an irredeemable monster

worryywart

Date posted: 25d

@Anonymous i feel this exact same way so often, i don’t even post on here much (to avoid confessing compulsions but also because i feel my events and intrusive thoughts are genuinely too bad to admit to), but once i realized literally everyone with ocd feels that same way it at least brings some solace to me. i genuinely do think people with ocd are some of the most compassionate to others but we don’t give ourselves that same grace, but you’re not alone here at all 🫶

Anonymous

Date posted: 20h

@worryywart Thats fair. I wish my ocd was mainly based around my intrusive thoughts but its around things i actually did and i feel like just because i have OCD and obsess about them doesnt mean i just get to feel ok about myself. Idk i just have a lot of shame about the way i was when i was a minor and as an adult i am the complete polar opposite, just really ego dystonic for me

worryywart

Date posted: 15h

@Anonymous there’s a lot of shame built in with ocd that makes it hard to differentiate what’s an appropriate amount of guilt and what’s really ocd trying to keep you in a loop. at the end of the day all you can really do is try to move on and understand that you’re not who you were back then. especially considering the fact that you were a child when your events happened. it sounds like you’ve grown from whatever mistakes you might’ve made in the past. “moving on” is easier said than done, but if it’s really distressing you that badly then i would suggest erp if you’re not already doing it, even techniques you can do on your own. it’s been a lifesaver for my own real event ocd.

user2826728292

Date posted: 23w

Idk what a solution for me could be

I need to find a solution fast to stop this way I’m living but I don’t think it’s possible, I’m in a constant state of pain from being tormented with guilt and warped memories. I know some of the memories to be true and some are all jumbled together so they get warped. It kills me to not know if I’m evil or not , I’m always thinking of the bad things I did when I was like 13 and didn’t know much about what’s truly right and wrong. I just feel like such a bad bad person , I don’t want any form of relationships at all because then I’ll have to confess everything bad I believe I’ve done or else I’m lying to them about who I am. I don’t really want therapy because I’m not confessing these memories or thoughts to a stranger especially because I’m only 16 and very socially awkward so I won’t be able to open up about this at all. I keep most of all of this in secrecy because I know nothing truly gets rid of the guilt. I also don’t allow myself any sympathy anymore because I just think I don’t deserve that either because evil people don’t deserve any empathy , it’s so hard to live with this. I just needed to get this off my chest since I’ve got no one to talk too

Mitu_001

Date posted: 17w

This is a vent

I feel like I wasted my life.I am almost 20 years old I feel like I did some mistakes that are too horrible to be forgiven.I didnt help a kid who needed help..Who was in danger ..Who was hurt.This made me think I am dangerous and can't be trusted.I started to have these terrible terrible thoughts(pocd) and I feel like I changes since then.Like I am not a ,,pure" person.That I can't be like I was before.I hope it was a compulsion..I used to also stare at kids years ago.I know is so disgusting and I will never act like that again.I feel like I did something too terrible.I am scared this is all proof I am a p..I don't wanna be that.I will never do something but I am so disgusted by my thoughts.I know I shoulf not seek reassurance and all but I don't know if anyone will want to be near me if they knew.I feel like an impostor.And I am scared to tell a therapist..what if they told me that I really am?! Ped******a is one of the things that disgust me the most ..(I think for everyone is like that).I feel like I am too terrible to do something in life.After all of this idk if I deserve anything.Maybe there was a chance if I didn't start to have these thoughts..but now..I want to became a psychologist, to travel the world.I feel like I wasted my life .And I feel like I have too many things to do and have a lot of places to go.Some people are sick and can't do the things I CAN do.And I feel guilty because of that.And I am also scared I will get sick( as I write this, I am scared I will manifest it).I am going to a therapist but idk if I have the courage to tell abt my pocd

POCD

Wallaby787

Date posted: 13w

The struggle to forgive myself

As a teenager and in other ways up until age 21, I was just an absolutely horrible person. It wasn't just a one time event that I regret, it was a lifestyle. I was a hedonist and a narcissist to an unbelievable degree and didn't even realize it. I read people's stories on here related to their real events and I just feel that I've done so much worse so it fuels this feeling that I'm unredeemable. And again it's not like I just made "one mistake." I was living under such a cloud of self-delusion and non-confrontation that I couldn't even embrace that what I was doing was wrong. Something pulled me out of that one night and I was forced to confront my actions (I believe it was God) but I've been living in this hell that is obsession ever since. I'm so guilty and ashamed and I'm desperate to find redemption. I can't forgive myself and I can't understand why I was the way I was or how on earth I even covered up what I was doing from others and even from myself mentally. I would just put a veil in my mind and not even think it was an issue. It's more likely than not that I am what I fear I am, so I guess trying to unconditionally accept the possibility of being what I fear is the only real way through this. Realistically I deserve all the suffering I'm receiving but I realize I can't have that mindset if I'm to have any hope of recovery. This is unbelievably isolating and I can't talk to anyone because of the risks involved. All I can do is try to limit compulsions, try to (somehow) accept the possibility of the worst case scenario and do my best to serve others.

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Im ACTUALLY irredeemable

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