Real Event/ Past Mistake OCD

Hi everyone. I am really struggling with real event OCD. I thought I worked through this but it keeps attacking me. About 3 years ago and 4 months into my current relationship, I went on a trip abroad. I ended up getting completely wasted and I can only remember some of the night. I remeber the bartender asking to speak with me in the back, and was trying to flirt. I said “I can’t” but we shared a kiss for two seconds I think. My friend then called me multiple times and I left. I am not proud of this at all. I wish more than anything I could erase it. I chose after that event to not tell my boyfriend (now Fíance). I know this was wrong. But I knew I wouldn’t do it again and I did not want to blow it all up over something so stupid. Before meeting my fiancé, I came out of an extremely mentally exhausting relationship with someone who was online cheating on me. I was seeking validation and attention. And I wasn’t in a good place for really the first year of our relationship. Well last year this event randomly popped into mind again. It ate at me and I knew I had to confess to my fiancé. He was understanding, but upset (rightfully so). He said he wasn’t going to leave me but this can’t happen again. We moved past it again and I did my best to be the best partner I could be to him. Well the issue is this event keeps coming up now. I can’t move past it. I feel such shame and guilt and we’re getting married soon. I am really struggling because I can’t remeber every single detail of the night. And my fiancé asked me and I told him everything I remember, but it kills me I’ll never be able to know EVERY detail of what happened since I was browned out. I just want to know if others have faced a similar situation, how did you move through it? I am really struggling and feel like I don’t deserve him. I want this to be a happy time, and he doesn’t even hold it over me. But I can’t stop ruminating on it. It doesn’t help that I look up cheating stories on Reddit and it makes me feel even more awful. Has anyone made a similar mistake? Did I ruin us before we even got married? I am beyond scared to loose the best thing that has ever happened to me. Help :(

Anonymous

Date posted: 19h

Truly thank you for being so kind. I have tears in my eyes right now. Most things in life are not black and white. That is what I learned from my therapist. It has been really difficult, and I have no excuse for what I did, but I do know I am not the same person I was 3 years ago. I have so much fear that something else will “come out” or my fiancé will have a realization that he can’t marry me. I just want to be happy. Thank you for your compassion and perspective. Reddit always makes the spiral worse.

Boundaries

Date posted: 20h

I hear you completely. You just have to sit with it and not try to answer it. Get in with your life rather than look for the answer. It’s very hard

Anonymous

Date posted: 19h

@Boundaries Thank you, I appreciate your insight. It is so hard, especially when you actually messed up.

Anonymous

Date posted: 19h

I will say everyone on reddit or even in real life pretends to be way more perfect than they are. People may try to shame you for that; but also have made their own mistakes that they either repress or justify for their specific situation. Even those people who say they hate cheaters or etc also probably have experience their own "grey area". Give yourself some compassion, you did do the right thing by being honest. Acknowledge that the thought of "this ruining your relationship" makes you feel really anxious, but dont try to validate either possibility.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

Real Event OCD

Currently feeling extremely shameful for something I did in the past. Any advice? I've had periods of coming to terms with it and understanding that it was just a mistake, as no one got hurt, but now it's resurfacing again.

_IDK_0023

Date posted: 8w

Real Event OCD

I made a really stupid mistake over two years ago. I brushed it off and have just assumed everything was fine since. I even forgot about it. Recently, I saw a reel on my phone that triggered anxiety and ruminating about said mistake. Everyday when I wake up and fall asleep, it’s all I think about. I begun opening up to loved ones about the story and they all reassured me that everything’s fine, and that it’s really “not a big deal”. I’m still very much on edge, paranoid, and aware that it could come back to bite me in the ass. It’s consumed my mind so much to the point where I don’t enjoy the things I used to, it’s difficult keeping up with daily tasks, it has stripped me of my motivation and my relationships with other people due to isolation. I’m physically sick from worrying about the future, coming up with every worst possible case scenario and mentally living in that persona instead of what’s happening right now in front of me in the present.

Anonymous

Date posted: 27d

The one thought that feels like it will never go

4.5 years ago my boyfriend and I finally became official- it was a time where my SO-OCD was bad but i was determined to get over it so I kept fighting for our relationship. A month after this, i went to a party where I found someone attractive which was shocking at the time as I rarely found men attractive during my SO OCD, I don’t think i was outwardly flirtatious but I did speak to him during the evening and he asked for my instagram at one point and I gave it. I remember the morning after I thought he would message and I would have to make sure to say I had a boyfriend incase he got the wrong idea but he never did so it was fine. I admitted this to my boyfriend as I have had these thought for years but they come with different intensities- now 4.5 years later the memory is hazy ‘what if we slept together’ I was a virgin at the time so i doubt i would forget that as I wasn’t that drunk. ‘What if we kissed’ - again I really don’t think i would do that BUT WHAT IF?! We’re looking to take that next step soon in our relationship but how can I move on without knowing for sure? Anyone else going through/gone through something similar?

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Real Event/ Past Mistake OCD

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