Feel like my sister will never see me the same way

TW POCD. Feeling really down today. Would appreciate some advice/opinion on this. I confessed to my older sister the cause of my POCD about a year ago, because I genuinely couldn't handle it anymore on my own, and the weight of feeling like I was hiding this from her was too much. A part of me is relieved and glad that I don't have to feel like I'm lying anymore, but many times I feel so disgusting and wonder if she likes me less now. For example, today I got really triggered out of nowhere. I was having dinner with her, and my sister was talking about how she told her coworkers she liked Ghibli; and how she got a bunch of Totoro merch even if she didn't like it that much. I told her that if anything the two girls are cuter than Totoro, and I immediately felt so awkward after saying that. I regret it so much. There was this second of silence after I said it and I thought "she thinks I meant it in a creepy way". I should've just said "it's because Totoro has more merch" or literally anything but that. She picked up the conversation like normal after that happened, but my mind just stayed in that moment. I don't want my sister to be disgusted by me, but many times all I can think about is "she's just pretending to like you because you're family, she has no other choice". And it sucks. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

ugh that sucks to worry about im sry ur going thru it. i feel scared to tell ppl about that theme too in case they misunderstand since most people don’t know what ocd is really like outside of stereotypes and stuff :(

WannaBeNormal

Date posted: 22h

Yes I'm sorry you're going through that too, it's true that many people don't get it, but you don't have to force yourself to tell everyone, especially if you think it puts you at risk. I personally blurted it out in a moment of panic without much thought, which could've gone badly. I know this is standard advice, but if you don't have someone you trust with this information you could talk to a therapist about it if you have the chance/haven't already.

miss_teeeeee

Date posted: Yesterday

Can I ask a clarification question please? What do you mean when you say tw pocd? No disrespect just new to the chat is all

Malita

Date posted: Yesterday

@miss_teeeeee It means trigger warning - POCD. People that suffer with this theme might get triggered from her post so it’s a bit of a heads up whether to engage or not You know you didn’t mean it in a bad way. Your sister loves you and she’s known you your whole life. You have to believe that she knows you. Don’t let OCD take away from you a good relationship with your sister. Let it be, discard the worry as ocd and move on (:

WannaBeNormal

Date posted: 22h

@Malita Thank you for your nice comment, it means a lot :') I'll probably worry about this again, but you're right, all I can do is believe in her. I appreciate your insight. Also, thanks for clarifying what I meant to the other user. Hope you have a nice day. 🩷

zoxqa5-sifja...

Date posted: 21h

Acceptance is not the end of the world. It leaves room for there to be another story, because self sabotage is when you decide to give into the negative thoughts. It pretty much tends to come true when you do that. Your sister has feelings too. Don’t imagine how she feels, or decide that. Just sit with the thought that she has influence too. It’s not just about u man

Anonymous

Date posted: 25w

Need help, PLEASE +18

I got diagnosed with OCD (variant POCD) about 3/4 yeats ago. Lately I've been really confused and makes me uncomfortable this ideas that I've had dreams in my sleep where I have romantic/sexual interactions with my older sibling— I know it's disgusting, and I don't know what to do. Recently I got a boyfriend after years of being without a partner, and he makes me so happy along my friends, but sometimes at random points of the day I have this episodes with minors or my sibling, and the ones with him start to go heavier when I'm at home or alone. The first thing that comes to mind for me to do is always how much I don't wanna live, harm myself or what is my purpose at this point (22fem) having this problems. I feel weirded out when I pass them over, and suddendly think about not giving them the atention because how important they are in a negativa way. I'm just anxious writing this, I need help. Is someone living the same? How do you work on it? I will always be like this from now? — thanks in avance and sorry for mistakes, english isn't my first language

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 18w

So distressed plz help :( 18+

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

my POCD has won and I’m a horrible human being

*PLEASE READ* *any help appreciated* So I work with kids and it’s a lightning rod for triggering my POCD. I work with a mental health org that supports kids with autism and other intellectual development disorders. And so I’ve grown really close with one kid since I started since I was his first ever staff and he was the first ever kid I worked with. I’ve grown really protective of him and we’ve become really close and our relationship truly means the world to me. But before I get into my little incident, I have to provide context: so I am hypersexual and struggle with compulsive masturbation and my urges are almost uncontrollable sometimes. I have a lot of trauma from foot fetish stuff/pornography as a kid and it’s carried on into my adult life unfortunately. And so as I was waking up my kid and trying to get him out of bed to get him into the shower (I usually give him a few extra minutes but if he’s uncooperative I have to pull him out of bed gently) and so I just shift him by his legs bc it’s easiest. And my urges and thoughts have been so bad lately and when he wasn’t cooperating, as I was shifting his legs today, his foot touched my private area and I carried on normally but now I feel like a monster and everything I fear. I need some advice bc I’m scared to even talk to my therapist about this bc I think I will go to jail. I don’t want to be like this and I hate POCD so much and I rlly care so much for this kid and would actually die for him to protect him. I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy bc idk if that contact between us was intentional or not and I have not spiraled like this for so long. I truly am losing my mind and want to give up bc I know I am not the person my POCD tells me I am but now I feel like I am everything it calls me. I feel so ashamed and repulsed and disgusted in myself and wish I didn’t exist. I feel like I’ve exploited my kid and taken advantage of him and that I don’t deserve to have him in my life and that I don’t even deserve to life and would be better off in jail or dead. im so broken and I’m sorry if what im saying is confusing

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Feel like my sister will never see me the same way

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