I’m struggling.

I have been dealing with ROCD on and off my entire relationship with my now husband. Sometimes it’ll get better, sometimes the ocd will Latch onto other things.. but it’s always there. Recently since getting married I have felt myself slowly losing it. I love my husband and we have a very beautiful relationship, but sometimes I deeply crave emotional connection with him. I do get it in bits, but never feels “enough.” He used to be very in tune with his emotions but after 5 years and life happening, he is very stressed and doesn’t have as much capacity. I know for a fact that I deeply crave emotional connection beyond surface level. But how do I know when I’m asking for too much? Just that question alone tells me that this is my OCD, but I genuinely crave this deep connection, I always have since I was very young. I feel so much and I crave to be stimulated mentally and emotionally. Since moving in with my husband it’s just been very surface level, we barely talk all day because I work from home and he is away. He gets home and I’m starting work. We never wake up together, go to sleep together. On the weekends we watch movies or shows and that’s about it. I want adventure and exploration of emotions and to feel deeply with him like the beginning. I never know what is ocd or what’s real. That’s the hardest part. How do I know I really crave this? Is my mind just trying to make me suffer? I feel so unhappy, partly the unhappiness comes from within, because I truly love my husband more than anything in this world. There feels like there’s just no way out. I feel lost, when I bring up the topic at least once a week or on a bad week, he gets defensive. It’s a repeating cycle of struggling, opening up to him, him getting defensive, we repair (somewhat) and say we will try to connect more, and then it doesn’t happen and the cycle continues. I know probably no one will see this, but I’m just so lost. I don’t think I have the money to even get professional help. It feels so out of reach. Part of me feels like this is a very real need that I need met, and the other part of me is saying “suck it up, being comfortable and routine isn’t bad. It doesn’t have to be sparks all the time” I’m so lost and I’m struggling so hard.

MyNameIsM.

Date posted: 16h

OCD aside, my husband and I went through this a lot. It's been 14 years and just this past few weeks we have been learning what real connection looks like. Marriage isn't one size fits all. It isn't a bad thing that you want to feel a deep connection with your husband... this may not be OCD, however, it could be poking at your OCD to get it to join the party. Check your insurance, find in-network couples therapists... if no insurance, research what you can do to get in with a marriage counselor. That would be a great start. Also, ask him if he would be willing to go to marriage counseling and/or sit in with you during therapy so he can better understand things as well. After all, these things are ultimately to make your marriage better, right? There are layers to this kind of thing, but start somewhere.

QueenV

Date posted: 16h

@MyNameIsM. Thank you for your reply! I definitely think it’s a real need but my ocd is tricking me into believing it’s more than what it is. Of course I won’t know for certain, which is the part I’m struggling with. It’s literally been almost a month since being married to him, and I have had these moments here and there but it’s been so bad recently since getting married. He is in therapy himself because he doesn’t know how to process my emotions and all I do is process and feel mine. I never thought of having him sit in with me for a session. Currently just have a normal therapist but I might look for an OCD specialist or something. Just yesterday I spent at least 4 hours researching and watching videos and trying to figure out if I’m really valid in my need for connection. If I may ask, what is connection to you guys as a couple? Did you go to couples therapy to find this out? Does it ever feel enough or right?

MyNameIsM.

Date posted: 16h

@QueenV Connection can be different things throughout the course of a marriage, as people grow and change. Previous years, we figured that setting aside time to do things together (go out, dinner, parties, whatever) was the way to connect. And that can be... now, it hit me like a ton of bricks that we needed more connecting from the heart. Talking about deep things, fears, our pasts (and not just surface level like when we first met)... doing emotional and mental exercises with each other, vulnerability. When we were in therapy together, we learned a few things about communicating with each other and that really sparked a better understanding of each other vs what we thought we knew. Having my husband sit in on my therapy sessions was my spur of the moment idea because I figured he needed to know ehat I was going through and if I can't explain it, seeing it for himself and hearing it from a therapist who knew how to articulate would do the trick. It did help. As a married couple, going separately only helps you with your side of things, whatever they are... going together does something different. 🫂

MyNameIsM.

Date posted: 16h

@QueenV Ps you are valid in your need for connection with your husband. I couldn't imagine not wanting to feel connection with the person you're married to.

QueenV

Date posted: 9h

@MyNameIsM. That’s amazing, I really would love to try to go together. It’s just we don’t have any immediate issues I guess? We love each other, we are loyal, and besides that occasional fights and miscommunications, we are okay. I can’t shake the fact that he is very emotionally distant. He is close when he wants to be, but he shuts out very specific emotions and always saves it for later. It feels like it’s work we have to do alone, but ideally I would love to go together. My question is, were you and your spouse in distress and needed that at the time? We got married literally a month ago, we are so young and I have a feeling he will believe I might be making something more out of this and that it’s my ocd.

QueenV

Date posted: 9h

@MyNameIsM. Thank you I needed to hear this 😔 I think he wants to, but doesn’t know how. He always says he is comfortable and doesn’t ever need “more” and I often do. But that’s because I crave expansion and growth and you can’t really grow if you stay in the same place? I’m so scared I will outgrow him. I’m terrified that he won’t see the value of going to couples therapy, or connecting like that. Date nights just don’t do it for me. I want to sit with each other and look at each other in the eyes and talk about life and fears and goals. What if he isn’t capable of that anymore? I mean he was like that, he would pour into me emotionally so much and then life happened and stress, and now I can barely get anything out of him. I’m so so sorry that I keep replying. I’m just now realizing maybe I’m using this to cope when I should speak with my husband. I just feel so alone and never have anyone to talk to about it. If I were to open up to people in my life, they would tell me this is a big red flag and that I shouldn’t be this anxious in a relationship

MyNameIsM.

Date posted: 9h

@QueenV Well, I told my husband back in 2016 that I wouldn't marry him until we started couples therapy because we were fighting a bit... I hadn't been diagnosed yet either. We did couples and then I did one on one sessions which I invited him to, for transparency and it helped a lot. Then our sessions became like, whichever one of us needed whatever in the moment, we would both already be there. Like, we did a couples session after a very dear friend of his passed away and it became a him session that day because he needed that. My husband, sometimes slips into contentment or complacency as well, I think it's a guy thing. They like routine and comfort and don't like to mess with what they think is already fine. However, if one of you isn't fine, then the marriage isn't fine, you know what I'm saying? You totally should talk to him. Make sure you breathe and think about the language and tone you want to use. Some of this could be OCD making you freak out more, I don't really know, I'm a stranger... but I do believe that therapy and openness is good.

Mariabae

Date posted: 24w

please, i need someones help. sorry for long post

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.

Mariabae

Date posted: 19w

i just need help

Hi. I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long, and I feel like I’m losing myself more and more every day. I’m 18 years old, and I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with someone who truly loves me( i have these thoughts and bad feelings since month 4 in the relationship) He’s kind, patient, and he really cares. But for a long time now… I’ve been stuck in this horrible cycle of fear, doubt, and emotional numbness. It started slowly — little intrusive thoughts like: • “Do I really love him?” • “What if I’m lying to him?” • “What if I never truly loved him, and I’m just realizing it now?” • “What if I’m wasting my youth in the wrong relationship?” And now? These thoughts feel louder than anything else. I don’t feel love anymore — not clearly. Sometimes I even feel repulsed or irritated. I hate admitting that, because I feel like a horrible person. He hasn’t done anything wrong — in fact, he just wants me to be happy and close again. But I feel like I’ve lost all my feelings, my sexual desire, my clarity, and my connection. It feels like my chest is heavy all the time. Every day I obsess: “Am I in denial?” “Is this ROCD, or is it just the truth?” “Should I break up? Should I stay?” “Am I wasting both our lives by not ending it?” “Why can’t I feel anything? Why can’t I be normal again?” I feel so guilty because I’m not treating him with love anymore. Sometimes I’m rude, cold, distant — and it kills me, because that’s not the kind of partner I want to be. I’m scared I’m ruining him and myself. What makes it worse is that I remember how things used to be — how safe I felt, how excited I was, how much I wanted him. But now, those memories feel so distant, like they happened to someone else. I feel disconnected from who I used to be, from him, and from myself. I keep thinking, “You’re only 18, you should be enjoying life, not crying every day over this.” I feel like I’m wasting my youth, my joy, my energy — but at the same time, I can’t leave. Because a part of me still wants to be with him. A part of me wants to want him again. But right now, I just feel broken and terrified and unsure of who I even am anymore. I’ve tried to talk to people close to me, but most don’t understand. Some get angry or say I’m overthinking. Others say “maybe it’s just not meant to be.” But it doesn’t feel that simple. Because if I didn’t care… I wouldn’t be this afraid. If I didn’t love him at all… I wouldn’t be this devastated by the idea of losing him. But what do you do when you want to love, and you can’t feel it? When your brain is screaming “THIS ISN’T RIGHT!” and your heart is too quiet to answer? Please… if anyone has been through this — if anyone has healed or has advice — I need to hear it. I want to be a kind partner again. I want to feel safe and clear again. I want to stop this spiral that’s been eating me alive. What helped you? What did you do when it felt so real and so final? How did you get through the days when all you felt was guilt and doubt and dread? Thank you for reading this. Even writing it helps me breathe a little. Please, if you’ve felt this way before… tell me how you kept going. 💔

KAW1007

Date posted: 12w

Please help - long post.

I really need help. I am severely dissociated to where I can’t feel joy for anything at all. I’m stuck crying all the time. I have a history of emotional abuse from my father growing up so it’s made it really hard to trust people. He verbally abused me and never made me feel good enough. Then he died when I was 21 and I dont remember him telling me he loved me even then. Or a time when he meant it unless I accimplished something. It always felt empty. I tend to sabotage relationships and don’t mean to and find flaws in everything. I even get jealous of children and never wanted any in fears that I wouldn’t be as loved as much as them. And fear I would bring on the traits to them that my father did to me. I realize everything I do is an OCD compulsion and also I have such deep rooted fears. Fear of the future, but also the past. I loop about my husbands appearance even though I love him dearly and I dont want to think that way and it makes me sick. I think about the past and how he brought up things in confidence after we got married because he trusts me and he felt ashamed, but it still spiraled me out due to my own insecurities and my brain is like “what if you never accept his past and can’t move on from it”. Finding out new info spirals me out even if it’s something I know he legitimately cannot change or control and it was not anything that someone should not have been able to move on from. Even though I have a past myself???? That is 20x worse than his. My brain adds extra meaning. I constantly fear that I’m being cheated on or will be left, or how things can go wrong at any point. I’m afraid of having kids because of what I just mentioned as well as the fear of medical intervention and something going wrong. I’m afraid of people dying. I’m afraid of people hating me and I’m a huge people pleaser. I feel like everything in life I’ve never done for myself, and I have a huge fear of being by myself. I have constant compulsions and have since I was a child. But right now I’m at a breaking point and I’m like what do I want to even live life for if I’m so jealous and afraid of everything. And I never do things for self enjoyment. I have like no self identity at all and I always feel like I have to tell people about my achievements or how I feel in hopes that the little girl inside me will be heard. Am I too far gone with having these thoughts and also complex PTSD with the OCD? I feel like I’m stuck in a perpetual hell. I haven’t had a breakdown this bad since I was 11 years old. I spent 4 months crying and crying not knowing what was happening to me. Then I snapped out of it somehow. But I’m an adult now and it feels like my life is crumbling around me. I’ve been so scared to work because of fear of criticism due to the emotional abuse which I’m just now putting together… and also because of not trusting myself. I always ask for outside opinions. And I fear things going wrong all the time. I quit my last job due to POCD because I was working with children. And now that I’ve reached a point where I feel like there’s just ambiguous questions with no answers I felt a switch flip in my brain. For the worst. All my emotions shut off and it’s just been hell on earth with constant thoughts and dread and self loathing. I’m so tired of feeling afraid and alone. And I know a lot of it is a bunch of inner pain. I’m not even really looking for sympathy I just feel like I’m beyond help because of all I’ve been through. I can’t feel hope right now and it’s really scary. I have had pretty much every OCD theme there is and have lived my whole life in constant fear and anxiety. ROCD (main theme right now), POCD, HOCD, SOOCD, Health OCD (big one right now), existential OCD, religious OCD, fear that my husband and I won’t be together after we pass. Or that I’ll be replaced by another person if I were to die. Or if he dies before me. Plus I feel sad when friends say certain things or anything triggers abandonment. I am so caught up and I know it takes a mindset shift for this to all get better, but how with so much working against me? I’m so terrified. And I’m self hating so bad.

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