SO-OCD or just normal anxiety?

I’ve been struggling with so-ocd for a long time now. Lately, there’s been a bad flare up and it’s been making me think that I’ve actually been lying about my sexuality and an actually a lesbian in denial. I can’t tell whether this is real denial or just so-ocd, but it honestly feels so real that I can’t tell anymore. Today I hung out with a guy after a very long time and at first things were good, but when things started to get somewhat intimate, I began to panic badly. I kept thinking “oh god I hate this, I’m gay” and kept having thoughts to just let it happen and I don’t know why. I did end up letting some things happen, and after a while I actually started to ease up a bit. I wanted to kiss him badly at times, but for some reason just couldn’t bring myself to, I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. After some more time, I began to get really touchy with him and started feeling comfortable again, but the anxiety was still there. Like I was afraid to make a move or something. I can’t tell if this is just me having anxiety or just being uncomfortable because of the possibility of being a lesbian in denial. I don’t know, but it’s been stressing me out. I’m laying in bed and I was watching a movie, and I had this thought of him laying next to me while cuddling and how it would seem nice. Throughout the hangout with him, I wanted to hug him really bad, but what if I’m just thinking this because I’m denying the possibility of being into girls? I hate feeling like this, I have having anxiety around this, I can’t even tell the difference anymore and I feel like a parasite lives inside my mind. Is this so-ocd or just normal anxiety??

sweetsalvation

Date posted: Yesterday

Is so ocd for me. I have never dated anyone before. But i am attracted to men, so the thing is i get too many sexual intrusive thoughts and these include girls. And when i get the thoughts i keep thinking if i am actually a lesbian, just in denial. Just like you do. Its actually quite common for people with ocd to question their sexuality. Its all the intrusive thoughts fault.

jacky :)

Date posted: 18h

@sweetsalvation It’s so exhausting at times. I don’t know how people can deal with this and live their life like nothing’s wrong. I just want to think clearly for once in my life and not have constant anxiety. Hoping that the both of us get through this 🫂

zephyranthes...

Date posted: 22h

I honestly can’t tell if it’s ocd or denial with myself either. And anytime I see a beautiful woman (my preferred attraction) I feel numb, or my mind starts racing when I start thinking about having a relationship with women, I’m worried that I’m not really attracted to them, and that I’m a fraud, even though I have no desire to be with a man, I’m worried that I’m lying to myself.

jacky :)

Date posted: 18h

@zephyranthesgp01 I feel the exact same way, literally the exact same. It’s like you went on my mind and typed out what I’ve been thinking. I can’t tell what’s real anymore and it just makes me cry. I hate that this is like this for us. I’m hoping that soon, this can be an issue from the past for us 🫂

Ali$t@ir2021

Date posted: 12h

Same, I’ve been spiraling all day and I was talking to my husband about how much I love when he hugs me because it feels so good and I feel like I’m not falling apart when he hugs me and he said he would always be there for me no matter what and I was ruminating on that and had the thought “even if I’m a lesbian” and now I’m having a panic attack and melting down. Much like all of us I don’t want this. I was doing so good and today it’s so bad. I don’t know what’s real anymore

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