Intimacy and OCD

@King Silly It sucks. I have had situations where I felt forced and uncomfortable, and I have never done that to someone else, but for some reason I feel like I do make people feel that way all the time no matter what

@cottonandy Thank you for your comment. I have suffered different forms of SA, especially as a child. I am not the perfect victim as when I was younger, especially as a young teen or a child. I acted up in ways that were inappropriate so it makes me worry that I would do that now. Also, I looked on the Internet and it said that consent isn’t always a yes. It has to be an enthusiastic yes. There have been a lot of times where me and another person have kind of just simply agreed to do something or just asked each other without us being over the top excited about it. Like I have done things just cause someone wanted me to bc it’s nice to do something for someone and people have done the same for me so it’s hard to see where i even went wrong

@cottonandy Sorry for my long reply

@dee012 I guarantee you that almost all victims of SA believe they were not the perfect victim. It does not matter. If a child stood in front of me and acted “inappropriately”, even to extreme levels, it would never make me SA them. It is still 100% the perpetrator’s fault in 99.9% of scenarios. The “enthusiastic yes” is mainly a statement because of how often men confuse an “okay… sure…” as consent. You’re intelligent enough and caring enough to be able to understand the basics of when somebody is uncomfortable. Sex and consent is not a monolith— just because you didn’t say “YES!” doesn’t always mean you didn’t in other ways express desire and consent. The yes and enthusiasm rule is just a general safety thing :) Say you did misread a scenario— it wouldn’t morally equate you people

@dee012 —it wouldn’t morally equate you to the people who SAd you or other rapists. But you also do not need to hyper analyze your interactions. Trust yourself— you know more about consent than the average person does. You take the safety precautions and know to assess discomfort. You do not need to overthink past or future intimate experiences. Maybe something went wrong. Maybe it didn’t. Maybe you could make a mistake, maybe you may not. Sit with the feeling without trying to solve anything.

@cottonandy Yeah, I agree. It’s just so many people have a story of being being the perfect victim and mine is so far from that. I was such a problem. There have been times where I misread scenarios, or someone’s hesitation as something like playful, teasing, or just being nervous. I think I’ve only had one guy tell me I’ve made him a little uncomfortable because I was 19 and he was 28 and he said he felt “seduced” and like he “gave in” so that’s what usually makes me spiral about this. I completely misread that situation and I felt terrible. I also had an ex partner tell me they felt a little pressure to do something because I wanted to do it and they knew I wanted to so that’s why they did it. Also, I have been in certain dynamics where someone was pushy towards me or kept asking when I said no because the no wasn’t really a no ( I wasn’t uncomfortable I knew it was like playful persuasion) So I worry if I accidentally do what other people did to me to other people because I think it’s “intimacy talk” or something. I’ve also like consistently asked guys like “hey is this ok?” “Are u sure” and they have told me I don’t have to ask and why am I even asking as if it’s weird to ask permission so it’s just driving me crazy. I either ask and turn them off or don’t ask and then spiral because im worried. Thank you so much for your responses I know mine are pretty long I just haven’t had a genuine response to this l

@cottonandy I will try to sit with it. I hate this theme of my OCD, because it’s like I’m sitting with uncertainty of something that’s possibly terrible. But honestly, you’re right. I do feel like I’m smart enough to know when someone is truly uncomfortable. I need to have some compassion for myself lol instead of driving myself crazy

@dee012 Tbh you were the victim in the 19 and 28 situation. You had an almost decade age gap and you were a teen. The 28 year old should’ve been responsible enough to tell you no. You didn’t “seduce him” you were a teenager. That’s something he said to you to absolve himself of guilt since you were basically still a kid. I know it can feel like you need to prevent something terrible, but sit with the uncertainty anyway. majority of it is OCD and these are very common experiences that aren’t black and white

@cottonandy Yeah I guess so. The age gap is pretty big. Whatever we did was on his terms meaning he told me to do it and gave the okay but I did ask or bring it up a lot even when he said no ( like I kept bringing it up or asking after he said no in a playful way but I did tell him I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable and he didn’t have to just because I was asking )this one time because I thought I needed to like prove myself or something and like earn it. Idk it’s weird. I have a post about it I think it was posted here at the end of october. I still feel bad but that just shows I need better boundaries especially for myself. Thank you again. I am gonna sit with the uncertainty and just tell myself if I clearly care about consent and if it matters so much to me then that’s a good thing and I can just be more aware in the future. I really do appreciate you you have helped me a lot with this

@cottonandy Hi did I say smthng wrong?