I CANT DO THIS! I CANT CALM DOWN!

WHY CANT I JUST DECIDE IF I WANT TO FOLLOW JESUS OR NOT?! WHY CANT I MAKE A CHOICE AND WHY DO I DESIRE GOD BUT ALSO DONT AND WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I DONT WANT TO BE SAVED EVEN THOUGH I DO?! WHY CANT I MAKE THE DECISION ON IF I WANT TO BE SAVED OR NOT OR IF I WANT JESUS! EVERYTIME THIS HAPPENS MY HEART STARTS RACING, I HAVE A HARD TIME BREATHING AND I START CRYING! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO GO TO HELL EVEN THOUGH I DONT?! WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP WORKING FOR MY SALVATION WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY WHY CANT I BE CERTAIN ON WHAT CHOICE I WANT WHY CANT I BE CERTAIN I JUST WANT TO FOLLOW JESUS BUT SOMETHINGS HOLDING ME BACK AND I CANT FEEL AS IF IM SAVED AND I JUST WANT TO BE CERTAIN AND STOP OVERTHINKING AND I DONT EVEN KNOW IF THIS IS OCD ANYMORE MY BRAIN KEEPS TELLING ME ITS ACTUALLY ME AND I JUST CANT ACCEPT GODS GRACE AND LOVE AND BE CERTAIN ABOUT MY SALVATION! I DONT WANT TO REJECT CHRIST BUT WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I WANT TO?! WHY IS MY BRAIN TRYING TO MAKE ME NOT BE CHRISTIAN OR LIKE CHRISTIANITY ANYMORE. IM. SO. TIRED. OF. THIS. IM SCARED OF HAVING FREEWILL, I DONT WANT TO LEAVE JESUS BUT WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I WANT TO AND THEN I KEEP PRAYING FOR FORGIVENESS AND TO BE SAVED OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND KEEP RESEARCHING ANSWERS BUT NOTHING SATISFIES MY BRAIN. I JUST WANT PEACE WITHIN CHRISTIANITY! ( This is what I’m feeling and thinking right now, these are what the thoughts and feelings are and I just needed to write everything down, I’m still so anxious and crying.. I don’t even know if this is ocd anymore and I want to scream.. )