I constantly think my partner is cheating on me

I frequently keep myself up at night thinking of all the worst things about him, like him cheating on me, and who he would do it with. During these sleepless nights, I’ve done things like make excel documents keeping track of his followers, and who he’s following, even when I know he’s committed to me. I know he cares for me, and when he isn’t alone, I’m the one he spends most of his time with. He’s also shown no sign of cheating or even wanting to cheat. Sometimes I can manage these thoughts by repeating his reassuring words to me in my head over and over, but most of the time it doesn’t work. He’s also been actively trying to get better for me and I can see it. He hates to see me hurt, and me getting caught up in my thoughts doesn’t help. I want to get better for him too, so I can be a better partner who can be there for him.

elliss2

Date posted: 3d

Just be. Remember, you’re totally lovable the way you are already 🙏🫶🏻

j vv

Date posted: 3d

Hi Axeell! 👋 these thoughts sound very distressing. How is ERP going with this ROCD theme? It sounds like you are doing a great job at recognizing these fears as irrational. Something that caught my attention in your post was this: *Sometimes I can manage these thoughts by repeating his reassuring words to me in my head over and over, but most of the time it doesn’t work.* I want to be careful and loving here, but this doesn’t sound like managing your thoughts. Reassuring yourself in any way actively feeds the OCD loop. This won’t extinguish your fears, this will add gasoline to the fire. Actions like creating spreadsheets, thinking all night, and seeking reassurance from your partner may temporarily soothe, but by giving your OCD what it wants (compulsive action and reassurance) you are teaching your brain that this level of irrational fear is acceptable. Next time, your brain’s overactive fear center will increase the fear levels in order to “help” more. This cycle is what perpetuates OCD and exacerbates symptoms. To break the cycle, you must expose yourself gradually to the fear and *do nothing*. When you have the urge to think about this issue, you must *disengage* from the thoughts using NER statements and other tools learned in therapy. For relationship OCD, working on acceptance has also been key for me. In your case, this may be working on accepting the fact that your partner may or may not cheat, but that you will have the resilience to get through it. Reframing these fears about cheating by addressing the root fear may also help. Living with uncertainty is part of life, including uncertainty in relationships. Trusting your partner is part of what makes love great! 💜 Keep working at this in therapy! You are stronger than your OCD. I hope you feel better soon. 🫂

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

@j vv What are NER statements?

Axeelll

Date posted: 2d

@j vv Wow. I didn’t think reassuring myself would turn out to be the wrong thing to do. My thinking was that if I repeated and believed his words in my head, I was putting my trust in my partner and his words. Thank you for this.

j vv

Date posted: 2d

@Axeelll No worries! This was one of the most mind-blowing things I learned in therapy…OCD scares us into fueling the compulsions cycle. In order to break it, you must act *against your intuition* and face down the discomfort—and at first, this is very uncomfortable! For me, ERP felt like walking into the jaws of my worst fear every day. It was terrifying, but eventually that huge fear has shrunk down to completely manageable. Your brain is very smart, it just needs help to reacclimate to normal fear levels for these situations. ERP helps us guide the brain from getting stuck in a weird loop 👍

j vv

Date posted: 2d

@Anonymous Hi Anonymous! 👋 NER (non-engagement responses) are a way to interact with your OCD mentally without feeding the compulsion loop. Here is an article that explains it in a bit more detail: https://myocdcare.com/the-art-of-ocd-non-engagement-responses/ The big idea is this: to break the mental loop, acknowledge and then dismiss OCD’s concern without feeding OCD any certainty. In OP’s case, it might look something like this. OCD: what if our partner cheats on us? What are we gonna do to make sure they aren’t cheating *right now*? Us: “thank you for bringing this to our attention. That *would* be scary if that happened. But right now we are going to be doing [this thing that aligns with our values] instead of dwelling on this.” This acknowledges your brain bringing up a fear without fueling the panic further. Your brain learns it is good to bring up these concerns, but not good to push you to act in a panic about it. The next time the thought appears, the panic may lessen as your brain adapts. I would highly recommend having a therapist guide you through this process—there are many versions of NER statements and different ways to approach your OCD that can be very tricky to navigate. When you find statements that work for you, they can make a huge difference.

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