SO-OCD Venting

Im 29, I believe I have had SO-OCD since I was about 15. A friend of mine and I stopped talking 5 year ago because she, and I believe I as well, had feelings for each other but I was afraid to take the next step because I was afraid I was gay/wouldnt be able to perform/would hurt her later on. Started talking again this year and it was fantastic. Like we never even stopped before. I felt great talking to her but when the relationship idea came up again, same thing I would get rushing thoughts like those up above. It was working fine and we decided to just be friends but then she said she was going on a date and I became incredibly jealous. I acted childishly, didnt respond to messages or give short answers. She decided we should spend some time apart because we both have feelings for each other but she wants a relationship. I have been miserable this past week thinking about this and how I ruined our relationship again because of my doubts in myself. Its so confusing because I know I want to be with her but then the thoughts make me doubt myself and makes me think I am going to hurt her again, which I simply cant do. Sorry to ramble but I just needed to get this off my chest.

sweetsalvation

Date posted: 22h

Listen, it looks like you care a lot about her. You are capable to be in a relationship with her. Look, this is your second chance. Do you know how few people get that? You sound like a mature caring and self aware person. Go out there and get your girl. Everything will be fine. You're stronger than ocd is. Its all an illusion.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22h

It was also a sort of blessing in disguise because this is what made me find SO-OCD. For years I just assumed I was lying to myself/in denial/in the closet about my sexuality. Ive never been with a guy/had feelings for them but the thoughts still continued. After crying/being miserable for a while over the weekend I just typed in how I was feeling on Google and this popped up. It felt incredible to feel like I had an answer to this, but then obviously the voice said nah this isnt real you’re just in denial. Even with this, I have learned some new techniques to help with the thoughts, like mindfulness and just kind of ignoring them or saying we’ll deal with that later. I am still miserable because I messed up the relationship again, but I do at least feel like I can take a step in the right direction. I am also getting off porn because of this past week. I think porn turned into the way I thought about sex and that coupled with the SO-OCD doubt, it essentially turned into my sex life. I know this is probably a reassurance but it was always straight porn. I never sought out gay porn or had an inkling to do so. The times I have looked at gay porn would be in a thumbnail on like the home page of website to “test”to see if I would like it, I dont but the doubt keeps going! I am hoping the no porn will increase my libido a bit and help me to get over the “cant perform” fear.

sweetsalvation

Date posted: 16h

Cutting off porn is a must. Porn causes brain rot. I know exactly how you feel. You see how you learned techniques that help with the thoughts? You can imply those same techniques when it comes to doubting yourself about the relationship.

sweetsalvation

Date posted: 16h

Everything is gonna be alright. As long as you try and do your best, Everything will turn out good.

Anonymous

Date posted: 16h

@sweetsalvation Thank you for all your kind words. Joining and partaking in this community has taken so much of the pressure off. The doubt is still there but I have been managing it. I feel like I have a purpose again. Losing her again kinda woke me up to be like you need to figure this out. I am going to be a better person not just to her but all the people I care for. I have been a miserable/avoidant prick the last few years and I want to change that and take back control.

MEO18

Date posted: 10h

Sending you lots of support man. I’m also 29 and have been going through it for the past 10 years. I’ve been in relationships that I think I subconsciously sabotaged because of reasons you stated in your post.

Anonymous

Date posted: 20h

I keep remembering times I spent with her recently just hanging out on the couch watching tv/talking/cuddling and i want that warm feeling back but I am scared once we try to push past that I wont get hard and I will use that as more proof that I am gay.

MEO18

Date posted: 10h

@Anonymous Totally relatable. But man, guys don’t get hard all the time. Not getting hard during sex is totally normal and is often times anxiety. This is going to come off a bit douchy but I’ve had sex with maybe 30 women and there’s been lots of times where I haven’t gotten hard those first couple of times. But wow, I’ve had sex with some partners that was amazing. Fulfilling, enthralling, all of it. Unfortunately right now I am having doubts if those moments were even “real”. And if I actually enjoyed them. I’m in a loop of thinking too, man. We’re not alone!

Anonymous

Date posted: 10h

@MEO18 Really appreciate the support. I am also a virgin so that plays into the psyche as well. “Youre a virgin cause you’re gay” etc in my head. I think that and being inexperienced and not knowing what to expect adds to the fear. Also my idea of sex has ben warped by porn for 15 years. And its embarrassing to say Im a virgin at 29 and then even scarier to say the reason I think i am haha Its a tough cycle. I sext a lot with a girl and have no problem doing that, might be doing it soon honestly lol and I look forward to it. I think i feel comfortable doing that because I am alone, looking at my phone (like porn) and theres no pressure to get hard so it just happens. The doubt creeps in and says yeah all those reasons are because you are gay.

MEO18

Date posted: 7h

@Anonymous I resonate with you regarding porn and how it’s warped sex. I was bullied by an abusive older cousin into watching it at an extremely, extremely young age. Maybe like 4/5. And damn man, I remember having anxiety attacks because I couldn’t get the images out of my head. Luckily I had my parents then to baby me and kind of guide me through my emotions. Even now I’m trying my best to stay off of pornography. Only because I’ve been using it as a “checking” tool. Almost like a compulsion. I’ve gone as far as watching same sex stuff to see if I get aroused. Just caused a lot more anxiety and stress. Didn’t help at all. And man don’t beat yourself up about being a virgin. Whenever you talk to your therapist let them know that you had this thing with your friend going that your OCD kind of got in the way of. I told my ex girlfriend about my SO-OCD and she was so cool about it. I told another past partner who also had OCD that SO-OCD was a huge theme of mine and she was super supportive. And I also resonate with the sexting thing. There’s a girl that I sexy, we’ve never hooked up. And I’m nervous to even do that because I’m afraid of not performing. But whenever she sends me stuff I’m getting it going. Which also tweaks me out.

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