Perfectionism/ROCD

Hi everyone — I’m hoping for OCD-aware insight rather than reassurance. If someone can respond with a similar experience, I’d appreciate any insight. I have diagnosed OCD (relationship/perfectionism themes), and I’m dating someone I genuinely care about. Emotionally, he has so much of what I value: he’s thoughtful, patient, ambitious, intelligent, funny, and makes me feel seen and understood. I’m attracted to him — especially in private. When we were long-distance and mostly talking on the phone, I felt very safe, very connected, and very attracted. Things shifted when something objectively small came up: he mentioned gaining a couple of pounds and shared some eating habits that don’t align with my very health-focused lifestyle. Almost immediately, my nervous system flipped into threat mode. Since then, my OCD has latched onto his body, food choices, and “follow-through,” and my attraction drops sharply in public — not in private. What I’m realizing is that a huge part of this is fear of judgment and perception. I’m worried about how we’d be seen as a couple, and what other people might think. When I imagine us in public, I start viewing him from an “outside observer” perspective, scanning for flaws and feeling embarrassed — even though, internally, I’m attracted to him and care about him. In private, the attraction is there; in public, my nervous system shuts down. I also notice that I attach a lot of meaning to health and self-care. For me, it represents discipline, responsibility, and care — and emotionally, my brain translates self-care effort into “this matters” or “I matter.” I know that’s my wiring, not necessarily reality. In a past relationship, I over-functioned around health and felt disappointed and resentful when the other person didn’t follow through, which seems to be feeding this trigger now. Because of that fear, I catch myself trying to control in a “nice” way — encouraging workouts, suggesting nutrition resources, praising effort, coaching rather than demanding. It looks supportive on the outside, but internally it feels like anxiety management and an attempt to prevent future disappointment or judgment. Patterns I am noticing: • The anxiety shows up as urgency, mental checking, future-tripping, and hyperfocus. • Attraction fluctuates with anxiety level, not with how I actually feel about him. • Fear of public judgment seems stronger than fear of incompatibility itself. • My urge to “help” or “fix” increases when anxiety spikes. AND if he expresses a desire to workout, my anxiety decreases