I’m embarrassed but I shouldn’t be

Something that helps me is actually thinking about my partner not as being “the one” for me but as being the one I have chosen to build life with. Sure I could go out and talk to other men, but at the end of the day even if I had chosen someone else it would still come with plenty of bumps in the road. The relationship would still need to be “built” (I put it in quotes because that word to me is intentional in that it signals that it takes hard work, a strong foundation, creative problem solving, etc.). Talking to other men or hooking up with one would just be a form of temporary escapism, but the short lived pleasure of that moment would come with real consequences, including hurting someone I love. At the end of the day, compulsions can’t be reasoned with though, you just need to not do them and then use ERP to build up your distress tolerance skills. We actually do have the power to not do our compulsive behaviors, you just need to find your “why” to be motivated and decisive to take this into your session and really try to apply ERP.

Rzeeh200 👋 I also have ROCD and Harm OCD. I understand the impulse to seek certainty when you feel that horrific anxiety/dread. At the worst points, it felt like self-sabotage or self-sacrifice was the only option to free myself or my partner from inevitable harm. Remember, OCD seeks certainty, even if it is a terrible outcome for you personally. There is certainty in cheating; you will certainly have messed things up, likely beyond repair. There is certainty in being alone. You will be certainly be sad and depressed. Remember that when you feel these impulses, take note of how *urgent* it all feels. Rarely is a quick and hasty decision called for in long-term loving relationships. If your relationship needs genuine work (for example, you may be going outside of the relationship to fulfill romantic/sexual needs) then I would suggest seeing a couples therapist and trying to work it out with your partner. It is a slow process, but working on you and your partner’s communication and striving toward the best you can both be in your relationship can do wonders. Try to decipher these impulses with your OCD therapist. It can be so tricky to navigate, especially when any path forward seems to lead to harm. It’s probably my most difficult combo of themes, so I get your struggle! You are not alone 🫂 (Also: it is perfectly fine to talk to people other than your spouse! As long as you aren’t violating boundaries in your relationship, you can have all kinds of friendships!!This is healthy and normal 😊)