Offering encouragement and advice, also seeking it!

Hello all! I hope everyone is having a great weekend! I have had OCD for the entirety of my life, but just because I have OCD doesn’t mean I have to suffer from it! First off, I wanted to say, that it does get better. The extent of how much I’ve done was, I was originally misdiagnosed with simply generalized anxiety disorder. I’m not to say that I don’t have it, but I always knew that it felt like it was something more than that. I started taking medicine, even though I was unsure of it. This did help tremendously, but it led to weight gain and sort of a numb feeling towards the end of it. I went off and on it for several years, I usually would get back on when I had symptoms of sadness and anxiety. Although I never was diagnosed with depression, I often times would feel sad in the winter seasons, and sometimes just anxious and couldn’t calm myself down. Following a really bad breakup where I dealt with a lot of gaslighting and being cheated on, I later developed real event and false memory OCD with POCD in the mix. My obsessions were usually over any content that I had seen online and I would obsessively check images and memory review. I remember the scariest feeling with constant memory review and going to a therapist to use CBT to address this. We would talk through all the thoughts and images and memories, and I would feel a lot better after telling him this. But I realize there was always a “sticky” feeling about some of these thoughts that I wasn’t able to shake. I would compulsively go to therapy just because it was such a relief to talk to these things with my therapist about. Eventually, after several years, it went away naturally on its own, he was equipped with knowledge of OCD, but the CBT portion of it didn’t seem to help as we constantly would problem solve and try to figure things out. Later on after a really rough season and being completely medication free, I indulged in mental review, rumination, and constantly putting myself on the stand and a mental trial. I was always worried about things in my past, and I would think about them over and over and over again, for some reason all the thoughts would be with childhood or teenage memories of research and exploration online. I was always terrified that maybe this said something about me and because of how traumatic my breakup was, I blamed myself for the downfall and also my ex-girlfriend’s drinking problem. This led me to question myself as a person and develop a bit of a different theme of POCD. I never really had images and urges, but I had constant worry that anime I was watching, harmless things I had seen online, and fuzzy memories kept me in a constant state of wondering about my character. I would constantly read stories about criminals and how people would act. I isolated myself for a long time (despite still working a full-time job and having a social life) and constantly tried to reassure myself that I wasn’t a dangerous person. I would take several precautions to make sure that I was never seen as a creep to women and would always make sure to look out for other others. It was such a horrible thing to endure, as I’m very passionate about protecting people and making sure that people aren’t in abusive situations. It took a long time for me to accept that I was abused emotionally in my relationship. I love my ex-girlfriend so much and I still do. I wish her only but the best and sometimes I think about what life would’ve been like if I had stayed with her. I have achieved the OCD conquerer status over the years, but after a run with Zepbound, a lot of my anxiety came back as I went through a bad bout of depression. I want to ask people here to share their stories and their thoughts and their journeys. My biggest struggles right now is I feel like I’m hiding a dark secret or I’m constantly on a mental trial. Although I have things that I think sometimes may provide evidence for this, I’m always back at square one once I’m able to “disprove it” and go back to compulsions that provide the temporarily relief. I do want to say that it does get better, you can live a beautiful life with OCD but you don’t have to suffer from OCD. What have you done to stay in remission? What keeps you stuck? What do you value most in life? If you were reading this and struggling, I want you to know that it is never too late to get help. You deserve compassion and you deserve a beautiful life just like I do even though sometimes I don’t think I do. I have a wonderful therapist from NOCD and the support groups have been really life-changing. I just want you all to know that I genuinely love you all and I am rooting for each and every one of you! We’ve got this and I am so thankful for the no CD community and for the bravery all of you have displayed in your journeys! As we learn and grow together, I truly believe it will get better and I’m so happy that there are so many resources to help address this.