Be cautions with philosophy and spirituality when you're OCD

I first turned to self-help literature centered around New-Age spirituality last year during the worst mental health crisis of my life. I have found tons of value in Bhuddist practices in particular around staying present, practicing self-compassion etc. As is often the case with OCD I was OBSESSED with self-help, loving myself, understanding the nature of life and reality, healing, loving, staying present. I am certainly an obsessive person, whether it's been goals, passions, exercise (which are perhaps healthier obsessions lol, pleaaaaase let me get some of those back), or the many intrusive thoughts and urges, this aspect of my personality has been here for awhile. I've developed various obsessions related to religion, spirituality, and existence since last year. One of the most distressing last year was the ever pervasive thought that I NEEDED to accept God and Jesus into my life. For context, I've been an agnostic or pure atheist all my life and still would consider that true. That was a horribly distressing few weeks, believing I was a sinner, I needed to repent and pray to Jesus. False urges, horrible shame, you name it. Miserable. Recently an arguably even worse theme has arose as I have contemplated my existence, and realized that I didn't choose my body, my mind, where I was born, who I was born unto, etc. On the one hand, this really helped free me from some guilt! Why judge myself so much when I really didn't choose who I am in the first place? I still think there's value in that line of thinking to release some shame and guilt around being who you are and having the thoughts you do. But now my brain is just in la-la spiritual land all the time. It's embarrassing to even write these as intrusive thoughts but my brain is stuck in loops about how I just want to love people and "become one" with them. My brain is convinced my self doesn't exist, that I'm not real, it's all an illusion, and that the only thing to do in life is love and become one with others. Nothing else matters to my brain. Not my job, my health, my passion projects. My opinions don't matter. It's all just peace and love baby! But in the worst way possible. Queue all the urges to just disregard everything and becoming a spiritual sage, paragon of peace and love, fuck everything that isn't peace and love. Horribly distressing honestly, despite the positive and uplifting quality of these thoughts. And my brain is convinced I can't go back. I can't unsee what I've learned that "I don't exist and my self concept is a lie." I have to accept this new me according to my brain. From a Bhuddist perspective I'm sure many would say "great job progressing on the path! You're finally realizing the truth!" To which I would reply: fuck the truth, this is causing me so much distress that I am dissociating and crying all the time and I just want my old self and ego back. I just want my normal human worries about how much money I'm making, if I like the way I look in my clothes, etc. I want my wildly imperfect humanity back. I want to live in the real ass human realm again, having fun, being silly and irreverent, spending time with people I love WITHOUT the disturbing urge to just disregard myself completely and "become one." Give me Taylor back :( Prone to pride and ego and insecurity, but a good person at my core. Someone who chased their dreams to feel good about themself and prove something to the world, worked out and was a health nut, was so driven and passionate each day and CONFIDENT to the point of a little arrogance for sure yes, but what's wrong with that? I was never hurting anyone doing all that... Someone who engaged with their love for games, anime, and music and found an identity that felt true and secure in all of that. Someone who was perhaps too rational and logical and a little heartless, but never out of malice. But nope. Gotta reject the human realm. It's all peace and love baby! If this is what healing and loving yourself is like then I never would have done it. I would've stayed my wildly imperfect self, in my own little world of worries and passions. I crave that again. Fuck the self doubt. Fuck these existential thoughts and urges. Let me be my confident, logical, playful, humorous, arrogant and insecure self again. I'm sick of the thoughts that nothing matters, my opinions don't matter, the only thing that matters is love and peace. Give me my old self back :(