I just feel so stuck

I don’t know what to do anymore I just need to get this off my chest and write it down but I’m just so terrified it’s real cause it feels so real and the checking is feeling real and I’m so scared I’m actually a lesbian. I genuinely can’t tell if I’m attracted to women or not and I’ve searched endlessly on how to know what attraction feels like and I can never feel certain. I’ve taken so many sexuality tests and they always come back straight but what if I’m lying cause I’m in deep denial. What if I’m denying the life I’m supposed to be living because I’m forcing myself to be straight as that’s what I thought I wanted. I look at TikTok’s about lesbians daily to see if that’s what I feel like and want and I just don’t want it but what if I do? I’ll go through a moment of feeling comfortable in a straight identity but then I’ll start questioning if that’s right for me cause I feel trapped with anything because what if it’s wrong and I’m lying to myself I think my biggest fear is waking up 30 years down the line and realising that I’m actually a lesbian and I’ve been lying to myself and my partner and I’ve wasted theirs and my time being something I’m not but I just don’t want to be with a woman I want my boyfriend. I watched a video of a woman who later came out as a lesbian and she described her experience with intrusive thoughts about her sexuality and that it was really hard because she wanted to be straight so desperately and what if that’s me what if I’m in the exact same position as her it’s not ocd but just deep denial and repression of my true sexuality cause she was describing it like she really didn’t want to be a lesbian. I’ve been trying to find out if I’m attracted to women and I just don’t know I can’t tell sometimes it feels like I am but it feels wrong but again what if that’s just internalised homophobia and I can’t accept anything other that being straight I’m just so terrified and want to give up nothing makes me feel good anymore.

NickCB

Date posted: Yesterday

Adding labels to sexuality is totally inappropriate. Your sexuality is a deeply personal experience which is nothing to be afraid of. You should be celebrating, regardless of the gender you feel emotionally attracted to.

PinkTulip

Date posted: Yesterday

A lot of “what ifs” there and fears about the future, sounds like classic so-ocd to me, but also sexuality, in my opinion, is fluid, and say there was some attraction to women, however small (which is very common with women), it doesn’t mean you have to act on it and can’t be with your boyfriend, but the fear or “needing” to know is where the urgency is, which again is classic ocd. I’m not meaning to trigger you with my comment about sexuality being fluid, as I can see it might trigger you, but the point I’m making is sexuality isn’t always black and white, and that’s okay, someone could be bi or bicurious (not saying you are) and still be in a happy hetero relationship, and many people are! You don’t need to know anything with certainty, you are choosing your partner and keep choosing him, if that is what you want. I have great empathy for you, I have had other ocd subsets since childhood, but ROCD, and especially SO-OCD, are the stickiest subsets I have ever experienced and the most constant and long lasting, that it’s hard to not buy into it and fully believe it. I have a boyfriend and a baby, so yeh, a lot at stake, and ocd loves that!

sprog

Date posted: 19h

@PinkTulip Thank you so, so much for your comment. It was really helpful, and I also have read a few of your posts on my feed and I have also related to a lot of what you’ve mentioned about these subtypes so you’re not alone there! I have also dealt with other themes growing up too, like harm and moral ocd where I thought I was a terrible person that needed to be locked up lol but this one has been the worst and probably most debilitating so far as it’s lasted the longest and is attacking what I love which is my boyfriend. Sexuality is definitely fluid yeah I’ve done a lot of research it may have been reassurance seeking but I think I have tried to get myself to accept the possibility that there may be some attraction (even though I don’t want it and I know sexuality isn’t a choice but it comes in intrusions if ygm) and I think as long as I’m happy with my boyfriend that’s all that matters to me like I would rather just accept the possibility of being bisexual and feeling happy and comfortable with the label and still staying with my boyfriend rather than what I’m experiencing which is not feeling comfortable with any label and also worrying about staying with my boyfriend in case I’m wrong and I hurt him, but it’s just something that doesn’t work like no matter how hard I try to accept it or even like welcome it for the anxiety to go away. It may go for a bit once I’ve sort of found comfort in something but of course ocd finds its way around it and thinks of something new 🙄 but once again I really appreciate your comment and I wish you all the best :)

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