Sexual False Memories Help - TW: SA

Hi, I’m trying my best not to spiral so I’m going to try and be minimal as possible but please know as I’m typing this, my whole body feels weird, my chest aches and my stomach is “crunching” and twisting and turning and it won’t stop and I “FEEL” like in my head / deep down that I know these memories are real and I’m just trying to deny them / play them off as false memories when in actuality I know they’re real - that’s what my brain is telling me as I type this. Essentially, I started having these fears / worries around 8/9 years ago - I can’t remember what they started off with exactly because I feel like I’ve always had them, but anyway the alleged false memories would’ve taken place around 10 years ago and I remember first worrying about them (although the capacity I’m not sure or what the worries looked like exactly) 8.5/9 years ago. What I mean by this, is to me when I picture these false memories they look a certain way and I feel like they always did look this way but I think that’s my mind playing tricks on me. Anyway, I have 3-4 “memories” all surrounding the same person, my old friend from when I was a child/teen. In the memories, I am performing sexually inappropriate acts to her and on her without her consent, and the images are so real and feel very real - I am picturing them right now and I can’t see how they’re anything other than actual recollections. They feel just the same as when I picture my first kiss with my girlfriend. There’s no before the images, there’s no “after” the images, there’s just the image which plays like a movie for 2-3 seconds and I am terrified of them being real and as I type this I feel like I’m lying to you all and that I actually know they’re real when I do not. I swear I do not. I look at photos of myself from this time period, I remember certain things about how I was as a person at this time and I can’t imagine myself doing these acts to her - not only that, but why would I be so worried about these acts now but not then, because back then I worried about literally everything. I remember at this time in my life I had a journal, and I journaled every little worry and fear I had and at this was never on there, which I feel like if it happened would’ve been because I’d have been worried about it, no? What concerns me is when I see other’s post about false memories, their experience (at least from the posts I can find) are one and done isolated “events” usually not that detailed, mine are all involving the same person and there’s 3-4 of them which I’m worried make them more likely to be true because why would their be so many of the same person if they weren’t? Why does everyone else’s seem to fixate on one and done events but mine is the same person several times? :( I have never once seen anyone else detail sexual false memories (several) where they’re performing inappropriate acts on the same individual which is what is making me worry they’re real - that is why I am here, has anyone else experienced this (please say yes so I can believe these really are false memories and not real) I am so terrified of these memories being real, they can’t be. I really don’t want to live a life where I’m someone who’s done this to her, I really don’t. I’ve been absolutely terrified of going out into my hometown in case I bump into her and I imagine her confronting me about the memories, thus confirming they’re real, have occurred and have happened. Although, a year ago, I was heading into a cafe and I saw her from a far and I tapped her on the shoulder and when I did she turned around and seemed happy to see me. She then asked me to grab a coffee with her but I refused - then, she grabbed me and hugged me and said “it’s been so long, missed you” and said goodbye. Since then, I’ve been no where near that Cafe and I’m scared to. I told my girlfriend and she was like “well these memories are clearly false then because if you did sexual things to her she definitely wouldn’t have responded to you like that” but I still can’t believe it. It’s been like this for pretty much a year, I wake up and worry about it, sleep is the only time I do not think about it. I’ve been recently walking around my apartment saying “I swear on my families lives and my pets lives that I don’t know whether I’ve done anything sexual to her or with her” and every time I do my stomach turns and twists and my eyes blink and flicker and I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel like a genuine sentence, it feels like a lie. I keep saying it over and over and it feels like it’s just a lie I don’t actually believe but rather just trying to convince myself of. You know when someone cooks something bad and they ask you if you like it so you say yeah to keep them happy but uou know yourself you’re lying? That’s exactly how it feels. Like I’m just trying to convince myself of a lie when deep down I know the truth - does anyone else get this?? I swear I am not lying or in denial when I say I don’t know whether I’ve done anything to her or with her but even as I type this my brain says I’m lying and that I know they’re real memories. I can’t even cry anymore. It’s driving me insane I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m the only one in the world. I haven’t done anything sexual to her or with her, I’d know surely? But as I say that my anxiety intensified, stomach drops and twists and my brain goes “well you do know you just don’t like the answer” I’m lost - please tell me other people get this lying dynamic and false memories (sexually) about the same people / persons. Please don’t just be me. These memories cannot be real.