How to deal with victim mentality? Any advice? 🙏

So I’ve been together with my partner for 3 years, and since being together, I’ve found myself using victim mentality when it comes to uncomfortable situations. For example, yesterday he was having a rough day mentally and just didn’t want to be talkative and just needed his space in general and what I took that as (this is also where my ROCD comes in) he doesn’t want to talk to me or touch me and I start to convince myself that it feels like we’re roommates. I start crying and feeling a gut punch in my stomach, and I just start to think the worst that he has a problem with me specifically. So he voiced to me that it leaves him frustrated because he feels as if he can’t show emotions because then ill over react. I obviously feel so horrible now because of me, he feels as if he can’t show emotions which is not what I wanna do. I really want to improve on that aspect of myself and realize that it’s not always about me yaknow. So if anyone has advice on how to grow from that, it would be super appreciated<3

loola

Date posted: 16h

I could have wrote this

Zombieslayer

Date posted: 16h

@loola Uggghhhh you get it!!! Its really hard because its like battling with yourself to the highest extent while also feeling like you’re battling with your partners head

loola

Date posted: 12h

@Zombieslayer Endless cycle always

Kevin V

Date posted: 16h

Well, everyone needs a bit of space sometimes. I know if I'm having a bad day, I do sometimes want nobody to bother me until I cool off. Understanding that everyone has their own emotions and priorities is important to keep in mind, it's unlikely (though not impossible) that it's a direct condemnation of you as a person, but more likely it's friction that is occurring because of OCD. It's not You vs. Him, but The Two of You vs. OCD, yeah? Getting through it is tough, because it feels like you need to help both yourself and him at the same time. Maybe you have hurt him. But that doesn't mean that you should just give up and stop trying. Reconciliation is a possibility. Good communication and mutual understanding are important. It's good to understand that people have a wide breadth of emotions, and assuming the worst isn't always the best idea. He's trying to communicate his frustration, and doing that in a way that isn't triggering can be difficult. We all want others to be able to give us some grace when we need it, and so we should give others grace when they need it too.

Zombieslayer

Date posted: 16h

@Kevin V This is very well said, thank you so much for this. I love how you said its not me vs him because I feel like I have viewed it that way which has caused me to jump to conclusions that it is about me, that I made him upset, not the fact that he is his own person with his own problems and emotions just like myself. I really appreciate your response again🫶🏻

Seallhorse

Date posted: 11h

I kind of struggle with the opposite issue (my boyfriend not sharing his emotions and I pick emotions up too easily and make the worse assumptions, even when it's not about me most of the time). Something that is in progress for both of us, (because we both either shut down when we're not okay or pretend) is being straightforward basically like "Hey I feel like this right now because of this (and maybe say what we need atm)". Which if you learned to hide your emotions, is hard to do. It also feels very robotic, but it definitely leaves less room for uncertainty. Being with someone is basically being a team kind of, and for a team to work well it needs to coordinate well? It's a bit on both of you. Try to figure out together how you can overcome this. Could be the way I mentioned, could be something else. Sometimes we mess up, it happens, it's all part if the process of learning how to be with someone.

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