Digital Contamination

I have to vent to the community for a bit. I have digital contamination/ Real Event and False Memory. I have been struggling to get back into gaming which used to be a hobby I really enjoyed. I have spent the last year obsessively trying to clean up my digital footprint and obsessing over if I ever said or did something wrong or embarrassing in the past. It really dehabilitated my life for a year. I had been unemployed for 3 months after losing my job unexpectedly and just started my new role. So I am experiencing some change. I have been absolutely fixated on wanting to try to find my old game accounts but I’m too scared to check. So I feel like that’s avoidance but I also don’t want to get trapped down the rabbit hole of needing to check because that feels like the compulsion. So I’m just sitting here trying to be a good mom and wife while my mind is racing needing to check. I know that probably all sounds so minor to anyone else but it makes my heart pound and head spin. I’ve been diagnosed for 8 years. I have been in ERP for 1 year. It’s been life changing but I haven’t been able to have a session since Jan due to losing my insurance after my role was lost. I have battled contamination/religious ocd before and those were awful. This one has been really bad because I can’t escape my phone, laptop, emails, even logging in to pay bills used to shut me down. I work in business so technology is so crucial to me making ends meet to provide for my family. Every day is an exposure. I use ai for reassurance or work and wind up tail spinning about the information I gave it. I had when my kids are gaming but they love it but when my family decides to game together my mind races. I have to shove it down. It used to be such a fun family activity for us but it hurts me. My husband can’t stand hearing about any of my compulsions anymore. He spent so many years trying to help and support me but he’s exhausted and I just really am in a better place. Bad days still creep up on me. I just needed to vent to people who understand. Just posting this hard for me because again, it’s digital, it’s online, it’s to strangers about something personal. I miss the days I could join online communities and bond or even do marketing for companies and work remotely but my whole life changed after the spiral a year ago. Anyways, if you’re still here… thank you for listening to this stranger vent. OCD is a monster and I’m glad I don’t have to battle it alone and have this community. ❤️