This is just my story

It started with my sexuality. Out of nowhere my brain started questioning it, like “what if you’re not straight?” And it didn’t feel like curiosity—it felt forced. Like I had to figure it out right then or something bad would happen. So I started checking, analyzing, trying to be 100% sure. That’s when everything got worse. Once my brain saw that got a reaction, it moved on to my gender. Now it was “what if you’re actually a girl?” And it hit even harder. Same thing—pressure, urgency, nonstop thoughts. Not something I wanted, not something I was thinking about before. It felt like my identity was getting ripped apart in real time. I kept trying to solve it. Trying to land on an answer. Trying to feel certain again. But that just fed it. Now it’s escalated to the worst one—my brain throws out thoughts like “what if you’re a pedophile?” And that one feels disgusting. It goes completely against who I am, but my brain keeps bringing it up and then making me question it. Like I have to prove to myself I’m not a bad person. So I check again. I argue with it. I try to get certainty. And it just keeps coming back stronger. It feels like my mind just jumps from one thing to the next—whatever will scare me the most and make me react. Sexuality → gender → now this. And every time I try to fight it, it digs in deeper. I don’t even feel like I trust my own thoughts anymore. I just want my brain to stop attacking everything I care about and let me be me again.

Aubreyana

Date posted: Yesterday

Honestly I felt this. With gender, sexuality, and even recently in my relationship. At a point in time I’d say stuff like I like girls only, but then I started liking guys again so im like well what the heck! And then, im finally dating this guy who I really love, but then started questioning everything about do I really love him? Would I ever cheat? Would he cheat? What does he really think about me? Do I annoy him? Then this coworker of mine ended up doing this thing where we were fighting to pay for something and that’s what happens for me and my boyfriend usually and then late at 3 in the morning i woke up and a thought just appeared in my brain “what if we got together” and my boyfriend in literally sleeping next to me. I start genuinely freaking out and telling myself ‘no what the heck stop’ but then more thoughts just kept taking over. Because I worked with them and also was dating my boyfriend of course, the thoughts wouldn’t leave me for a couple months since Christmas. Now theyre not as strong because I guess I got over it, but now random guys start hitting on me and when I say I have a boyfriend they try to play it off like it’s nothing and im like freaking out internally because I’m like what if my responses aren’t good enough? What does he really I even say? I wear a ring that I bought myself everyday in the shape of a heart and people ask me if my man got it or if im married and im like nah I got it myself. I started overthinking “would if have been better if I just said he got it??” And I start feeling really bad 🫩 It’s a lot but keep your head up. 🫂❤️‍🩹

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond