Past Experiences

I have been having a pretty bad bout of anxiety for the past few days dealing with something I have done in the past and still currently. Long story short I have gone to massage parlors that offer happy endings as an option. I always saw it as a way to relax and it never was a big deal. One time I felt super self conscious about it and talked to my family and friends and most who are extremely sex positive minded said it is perfect normal for someone of my age to partake in something like that and that they would be more surprised if I hadn't. This brought me a lot of comfort and gabe me alot of perspective on the issue. But what had me panic as of late is the fact that while I have gone to these places, I don't ever actually fully engage in intercourse. I did a maximum of 4 times out of the many I have gone to over the years, but that's when I was younger and the prospect of a pretty women offering it as an option was a no brainer and protection was always worn. What started to get at me recently has been like a question of my character and if doing this over the years has somehow sullied my chances of being in a relationship with a woman in the future. Kind of in the vein of what she would think if I were to tell her I've done that in the past and if she would even want to continue going out with me or even pursue a relationship. I started to panic in catastrophize as if doing that in the past or even recently has ruined my chances in the future in the way. I've told this to friends and family and they have let me know I'm thinking way too much about it and overreacting to the point of having a panic attack. Other things I've seen where I looked up things on the internet around it when I shouldn't have made me even more afraid. I started asking a bunch of what ifs that I never asked before. Did going to these places give me a subconscious complex where I view women as objects and view intimacy as transactions? Would this affect how I treat a person in a relationship. I know the answers to these questions would be no because I never viewed any women that I dealt with at those places like that at all it was purely just a fun experience that was mutual at the end of the day. But I keep playing our scenario in my head where I get with someone and we date for a while and I reveal that to them and everything falls apart. I have negative thought to my head saying oh you don't deserve to have a relationship after doing this for that long. Which I know deep down isn't true. I have viewed positive posts online where I've seen opinions of women who wouldn't mind someone that's done that in the past and use it as a regular thing that's done more often than people think. And that there's nothing to be ashamed of. And this should give me definite comfort and hope but they're still nagging negative thoughts in my head that are causing me a definite pit of anxiety in my stomach lately. I'll get tunnel vision when I'm driving I'll give a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach I'll get facial tics. The whole nine yards has been happening the last two days. All or nothing thinking like oh have I wasted opportunities in the past by going to these places and all sorts of things I've started weighing on my mind. Making this post has made me feel a bit better because it allows me to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper so to speak. But it's definitely been exhausting and it's had me distracted from other things that I've been excited about coming up with family visiting soon and I rather not have that dwelling on my mind when I'm supposed to be enjoying my loved ones. I've even told my therapist about all of this that I used to go to before I moved and she still communicates with me and she sees nothing wrong with what I've done and that the only thing she said is to just be safe and respectful and to have fun. As well as my doctor. There is a post at the end that definitely gave me a lot of Hope into this matter because I know a lot of people nowadays are way more sex positive-minded than I would think about the issues and I probably am not going to run into whatever catastrophic scenario I'm thinking in my head.