Can barely function because of this

When I was about 14 I discovered masturbation. I was watching (more like listening honestly) to kink videos. I began to discover my thing for vore and just general obesity. I discovered "digestion" sound videos. Its hard for me to admit, but a remember a few of these videos being simulated roleplays of vore, involving children, and the sounds of babies crying. As well as videos of pregnant women. Im assuming these fell under the "pregnancy kink" since those were the labels and titles. I can't quite remember what my logic was, but I continued to watch these videos. If I remember correctly I would just try and ignore those specific noises. But I also remember that after moving away from those videos i began to convince I was enjoying it, specifically for those noises. I felt I needed to confess. I called my best friend at the tine, and my then partner. And confessed. As though i did enjoy it. Both looked uncomfortable but told me they were proud of me for sharing and proud that I didnt engage with that anymore. Looking back now as someone in their 20s, apart of me feels revolted, and that what I was engaging with was indeed...CP. But another worries this is some kind of ocd thing. That im not...a pedo. I also have a severe paranoia about others finding out, or the two people I told telling others. Its to the point where im even afraid to admit this event. It eats at me I put false memory ocd because I genuinely don't remember if I liked those videos at the time, but I know for sure that I confessed as if I did.

mjr-rust

Date posted: 16h

This sounds like something that has been heavy to bear on your own; thanks for sharing. It's understandable to look back on things we did when we're younger and be disturbed. I for one struggle with this a lot; it doesn't help that the Internet is practically unguarded for most young people and we get exposed to stuff we shouldn't have. I think the only thing that really matters though, considering you can't go back and stop yourself from watching these videos, is remembering you yourself have changed. You never have any obligation to tell people what kind of stuff you used to watch. And while getting stuff off your chest can be relieving, for us with OCD it's usually a compulsion. If you have a therapist they're most likely going to be the only person you should continue to share this with. They will be understanding while also working to remove the OCD aspect of this memory. Because it was so long ago, it's also just impossible to remember how you felt about these noises without distorting what actually happened. In that case, the only thing you can do is move on. Tell yourself "maybe I did enjoy those noises or maybe I didn't" to accept that uncertainty. You deserve to stop living in a moment that has long passed and live a positive life.

An0nymouss122

Date posted: 14h

@mjr-rust I dont have an ocd specific therapist unfortunately. Where im from they are hard to reach and often expensive. I have a councillor who specializes in sexual based trauma and cptsd. I also don't see her for a while but im hoping to bring it up during our next session. I hope ill have time to do so. Your words have helped me a lot so thank you, I deeply appreciate it. In terms of the fear of this confession being spread and others being told I'm a pedo, how do I deal with that? Like I know I have to sit with the uncertainty, but what do I tell myself in order to sit with it? I know with compulsions having certian phrases and scripts to centre yourself helps, I just havent mastered this kind of theme. I apologize for talking in circles, these kinds of things make my head swirl so its difficult to verbalize Thank you again :,))

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