Feeling like a fraud.

Recently I can’t stop telling myself that I’m somehow lying about my problems and that I am faking all of it for attention, specifically that I am a bad person and convincing myself that I’m not. That I am somehow lying and I am lying to myself by saying that I am not lying.. it makes me feel horrible and the medical neglect that I experienced growing up of course does not help, and the negligence I have experienced in psychiatric help when I try to address my concerns has only made this feeling worse.. it has started to become very scary and distressing lately. I also continue to spiral and rethink of past situations and remembering things that ex-friends have said, debating whether I am an evil person because of them over and over.. I wish I knew how to stop them. I missed my appointment with my therapist last week due to issues with their system so maybe this is part of the reason, along with general recent life events. I wish I didn't always feel like a bad person.. I don’t know how to stop feeling like that. Even when I do "good" things, simply because it feels natural to me and like a desire to me, I still end up convincing myself I'm only doing those good things because I want to prove to myself I'm not evil, therefore they aren't good at all. And I’m scared to even talk to friends or loved ones about my intrusive thoughts, and the things that make me worry about them, because what if I tell them what I'm afraid of or thinking and they confirm it's true that I'm bad because of that intrusive thought or how I felt about it, even though I don't want them and they hurt me and they are based on events/people that hurt me? Maybe I am making it up that those bad things happened to me so that people feel bad for me?

marionthecon...

Date posted: 21h

I experience the same. When I was waiting for the psychologist to tell me her thoughts, I would cry because my mind was telling me that I was lying, making a big deal out of nothing, that I’d made everyone worry for no reason. Even since I was told it’s Ocd, I have many moments where I think, yeah, just because I freak myself out like that, repetitively, doesn’t mean it’s OCD. It’s confusing and frustrating. So at least there’s someone who understands

Anonymous

Date posted: 19h

I have a very very similar issue. I use to go down these spirals where I was convinced everything I did was manipulative and for attention (I think because I was told this a LOT as a kid/teen) and it would get so difficult to even talk because every word felt like digging myself deeper. This isn’t completely gone, but it has improved for me in recent years, so it can absolutely get better for you also. Just take it day by day

centipedis

Date posted: 15h

@Anonymous I had the same issue as a child. It helps alot to hear similar experience, even if it's unfortunate. Thank you so much for sharing. ❤️

nepentheira

Date posted: 9h

You just wrote down my entire life experience 🫶🏻 It doesn’t help either whenever I hear someone else’s traumatic experiences that I find objectively “worse” than mine, it instantly puts me in this same mindset. Like “How dare I even think I’m on the same or similar level as this person who’s been through so much?“

centipedis

Date posted: 9h

@nepentheira This is something I struggled alot with when I was younger, I definitely think it's something I still struggle with but in a more passive way, but it took alot of work to get there. Thank you for sharing ❤️ It helps alot to hear that I'm not alone.

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