SOOCD

Have been really horrible at falling for my compulsions today..... been googling and reading reddit about how to know if my feelings are real and "what does attraction feel like," "how do I know if it'c actually comphet," and "what if I am gay but I love my fiancee...." I'm having a strong compulsion to leave my fiancee and confess and it just feels so real and strong. I know that I feel 10x worse after doing this allllllll day then I would have had I just been strong and not given into my compulsions. Anyway, starting now I am stopping and sitting in all of the discomfort. Anyone else have really bad days where they give into the compulsions?

strugglebusman

Date posted: 16d

Like everyday for the past 18-20 months. Same theme

Bubba100

Date posted: 16d

It's so horrible, I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore! I know you aren't supposed to get reassurance but I talk to my fiance about it when it gets bad. How are you doing today? I am trying really hard not to google and just distract myself. Already feeling better than I did yesterday

strugglebusman

Date posted: 2d

@Bubba100 My name is Bubba. That’s funny. Also very ironic. Sorry, took some time off of here to try and clear my head a little bit. Which never works. I feel the exact same way. Idk who I am anymore and my self identity has been completely destroyed. It’s a literal walking nightmare every single where I go from the time I wake up to the time I sleep. Sleep is the only escape for me. Hope you’re doing alright and hanging in there!

Bubba100

Date posted: 22h

@strugglebusman Ugh I was doing so much better and then was triggered last night. …. So just trying to sit with the uncomfortable!! I will say trying not to do and staying away from compulsions helps soooo much! How can I help you? Are you feeling any better?

strugglebusman

Date posted: 18h

@Bubba100 A lot of compulsions are in my head, but I also struggle with googling and researching to try to feel better. Like I will find something that finally gives me the “ answer “ I’m looking for. Then again it only lasts for so long and I’m right back to spiraling and feeling the darkness.

Bubba100

Date posted: 14h

@strugglebusman Ugh I know exactly how that goes! When I have bad days, writing out my mantra really helps, usually it’s something like “I may be gay. I might not be. I may fall in love with and want to be with a women one day. I might not. I may not love my fiancee. Maybe I do. I don’t have to figure it out right now. I’m just going to live how I want for right now.” And just continuously telling myself that no matter what life will work out and be okay. I think really internalizing radical acceptance (or at least trying to) has been incredibly helpful!! Right now after writing that I really really really want to go on Reddit and see if others feel anxious just writing that or if that means it’s true. But I won’t. You got this, I believe in you!!

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