Moving in with My Partner in July - I’m Terrified

My partner and I have been together for nearly 5 years. We get along wonderfully, but after the honeymoon phase I’d have the dull back of mind thoughts that maybe I was not attracted to him, or I didn’t love him as much as he did me. I never imagined our wedding after the 2 year mark, but never wanted to leave, either. I knew I had to rip off the bandaid at some point and move in with him, so we toured and found a place that checked our boxes and signed a July 1 lease. Fast forward to a month ago, I have a stress in my mind I cannot quite name. Then I discovered the concept of comphet and I completely fell apart. I was always insecure with how much I felt I “wanted” sex. I often had sex because I wanted to want it, but I never disliked it either? I always attributed it to sertraline (been on it since I was 8 for GAD). I also love to flirt with men without acting on it if I’m out with girlfriends because it’s an ego boost. I also do find women more beautiful than men oftentimes. In an art club I’m in I gravitate towards drawing them because their bodies are more interesting to me. But I’ve never really had romantic interest/intent toward them except with maybe a curiosity to kiss one after some drinks who identified as gay/bi. I want to get through this, I want this to work. I got so scared for a while to say “i love you” even though I said it first in our relationship, and now I can’t stop saying it to him through tears. I feel so broken. I want him to be the one. I want to move in with him without this pit in my stomach. But I’m so scared that the presence of these thoughts in a dull capacity means they were true and now I have ROCD from the denial of him not being the one. He’s perfect. We never fight. I want to want him to be the one.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14h

Oof i could literally have written this myself, literally relate to so much. Soocd and rocd together are awful. I’ve been with my bf for 5 and half years and we’re talking about moving in together too, I have the same fears and I’m terrified of moving in together as when I picture it I get this huge wave of anxiety and misalignment, but I want to want it too I want it to be him so bad. But when I let go of the pressure sometimes it eases up and I’ll see okay it doesn’t seem that bad I still want to do it. But anyways, you’re not alone I fully understand you. Things will get better with time

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 13h

@Anonymous It’s so hard! Every hard thing I didn’t want to do in life I do anyway, and I’m viewing this as one of those things. I just hate how it started as a little voice, it gives it so much more credibility. But if it is true, so be it. My dad the other day asked me “do you love him?” To which I responded “I don’t know”. He then asked, “well, isn’t moving in together a step to figuring that out?” It put things in perspective for me, and weirdly calmed me down a bit. I still tense up when the topic of moving is brought up, but I’m hopeful that whatever happens, I can handle it. You can too! Idk if there’s a way to message in here, but you have my ear if you ever need it. I look forward to seeing both of us make progress!

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 13h

@Cat-Mom That does help tbh. I have periods where now and before I had ocd I genuinely felt like I wanted to be with him forever but I never imagined calmly getting married or living together, I was always anxious about it and didn’t think about it at all. But I’ve had periods throughout this where I felt wait I do want a life with him, and then it goes away when I’m anxious and I’m like stuck in my tracks. And we’ve talked about marriage too which at times I do want, and when I’m anxious I take like 5 steps back and reanalyze everything all over again. We’re in pretty similar situations, you have my ear too! I’m hopeful that our progress comes soon! That little voice is so distressing I have that now too, it’s just the other way around for me, super loud and distressing at first and now it’s a soft little voice. We can do this though! One step at a time

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