Moral scrupulosity

I really hate that scrupulousity is called religious/spiritual OCD bc there's no other name for the non-religious version that I've heard other than scrupulousity, which nobody here uses and is seemingly associated with the religious aspects. Harm OCD isn't the same either. I'm terrified of being morally wrong, a bad person, a terrible member of society, someone who, if hell does exist, belongs there. But I don't believe in God. Or hell. Or religion. As much as I've tried so hard to, I simply just dont...but I still I experience every aspect of this form of OCD just minus religion. In conversations about it or definitions of it, if you replace "sinning" with "being immoral" , "God" with "society", and "religious practices/values" with "moral duties and obligations" and then maybe some other things, that sums it up well. Obsessing overdoing the right things in the right ways and staying true to my beliefs but also making sure that my beliefs are acceptable in society and valid and if I disagree with the majority of society's opinion I have to make absolute sure that I'm not a terrible person for it especially if it's a moral issue and if I can't be certain of it then it means I'm evil and I have failed as a member of society and I'm a terrible person and that scares me because I just want to be good. Constantly overly evaluating all of my beliefs why I believe them where they came from where I get my information how I process things how I decide what is or isn't right or wrong in my own personal view of the world and versus everybody else's. Why I agree with people on some things why I disagree with people on some things why I'm mixed on some issues and why and how I go about everything related to my belief systems. I can't help myself I review everything so often that it gives me headaches. I have even prayed to nothing out of desperation "just in case I'm wrong" despite not being religious or spiritual or at all believing that my prayers are heard/taken in. It's a nightmare. I just want to be a good person. I don't want to be bad or problematic or evil. But I'm scared that if I disagree with a moral value the majority holds, despite all the review and reconsideration and time looking at all sides and evaluating myself, then I am evil. And that makes me wanna puke.

Amy B.

Date posted: 4d

I have a lot of OCD around being a good person, not offending anyone, and not making things hard/inconveinient/uncomfortable for others. I'm not religious either, though I've tried I don't believe in any particular god, but I do feel a spiritual connection with all other living things. My OCD is very black and white on what is wrong and right, and doesn't care if society agrees with it or not. It makes me judgemental of myself and others, but at the same time I have to spend 24/7 making sure nobody has any uncomfortable feelings because of me and ruminating over it if I fall short. It's painful, exhausting, and I have almost no friends because of it. Your story kinda resonated with me, so I thought I'd say hi.

NotAgain

Date posted: 4d

I relate so much to this. I have such a struggle when I realize a commonly held social belief is something I personally disagree with, especially if I find that nobody around me feels the same way. It's to the point where I try to change my own mind about my morals and only get more frustrated when I still hold beliefs everyone else disagrees with. It makes me feel like the villain. The idea of "if everyone else believes it and I'm the only one who doesn't, I must be wrong" and no amount of telling myself "morality is subjective and grey areas are most of life" actually helps, because OCD always comes in with the "but-"

Amy B.

Date posted: 4d

@NotAgain I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is. I recently started with a NOCD therapist and she is helping so much already. Even though we've only just started ERP, it's already helping and I have so much hope for the future. I've had OCD for 25 years, so stopping the constant spiral of thoughts is a scary thought. My brain doesn't know what to do if it's not figuring out the past and future and all my different worries, but I've had hints of the peaceful moments and I'm looking forward to more of them. I wish there wasn't so much hard, scary work to get there, but I'm pushing ahead.

NotAgain

Date posted: 4d

@Amy B. Wishing you the best!

BunnyBunnyBunny

Date posted: 4d

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