ROCD in LDR

Heya all! This is my first time posting in this forum. I hope people will be patient and understanding with my condition because I know it might sound annoying or people might not understand it but for those who do, please try to help me get through this. Basically, I’m in a long distance relationship and in the beginning it was decent though he wasn’t my first choice in the beginning (mostly because I felt afraid of online people coming into my life and hurting me) but I gave it a try anyway. I was really excited in the beginning as I felt like someone finally truly loved me and he’s an amazing guy and it’s my first ever relationship (because I was sheltered most of my life and put in private schools). I never had a first kiss, or anything intimate at all and I’m 19 which makes me sad already because long distance makes it difficult to even meet because he lives in a different country. We’ve been together for 1 1/2 years and my has it been difficult. After months passed after the beginning and we shared core bonding moments. But then, I started to notice that I couldn’t stand him for no reason and I would go around and around (even to this day) worrying about not loving him and that I want someone else to love. I hate the distance, I hate the fact that people have it easier, it makes me extremely upset with my own self. Because I’m 19 then I started to feel FOMO and my friends and other people are telling me to break up with him because I should live more of a life my age and not be tied down WHICH MAKES THE ROCD WORSE😭😭😭 I start feeling hatred, disgust and resentment over my partner for literally no reason. It makes me panic constantly because my brain tells me I don’t love him which makes me panic and other people confirm which makes me panic twice more. And don’t get me started on when an anxious episode starts I start scrolling the internet for answers for HOURS on whether I love him and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. To top it all off, I have parents that are completely against the relationship because it’s online and they believe that it’s all a scam, he’s an organ seller, he’s going to cheat on me, steal from me, and all these people keep filling my head with problems that make me feel like breaking up. But then I get defensive when people say to break up because I think deep down I don’t really want it to end but when I don’t end it I started feeling miserable and “trapped” in the situation because he can’t see me due to visa issues, I’m not allowed to see him due to my mom telling me she’s going to evict me if I did and it’s absolutely horrible. No one supports us really that much it’s usually 50/50. My mom makes me feel like the relationship is wrong at all times and restricts from doing anything and mentally tortures me day and night. At the end of the day I feel…suicidal. My relationship makes me anxious Where I live makes me anxious My friends make me anxious. Everything does… And it hurts so much like I just feel like I can’t do it much longer and no one cares to help. Me and my boyfriend have been supporting each other for the longest and he really is kind to me all the time I actually don’t know why I feel like I’m lying saying that but he is always kind to me and never judges. I live in a manipulative household and had a trauma bond with my mother for years so anything she disapproves makes my brain warn me to stay away though there’s nothing wrong. I was afraid of going outside until last year because she said it was dangerous and she severely scared me into not going anywhere all my life so I could never find help but I’m happy that I have a chance to find some now. I don’t know why I get triggered by everything my boyfriend does and getting triggered makes me anxious that I don’t love him and then I feel stuck in the relationship and I start thinking like maybe I should break up and find other guys near me but that makes me anxious too because this person has been there for me through thick and thin and I feel horrible and I think deep down I don’t really want a different guy I just want the suffering to stop because I wouldn’t spend day and night ruminating over not loving him and not feeling right in the relationship day and night. It’s just like too much and idk what to do. I just want to see him honestly but even my heart started losing hope there too and I’m afraid that I can’t continue this relationship which makes me anxious of course again. But then breaking up I get scared and don’t want either because we have such a close relationship. Also another annoying thing I hate is when my ROCD and my perfectionist ocd have a fucking collab and are just like “let’s pick on every single part of his personality to justify why we should break up with him” I’ll start picking on little things like the fact he’s from a different country, his looks, his family, long distance, everything they all get thrown against me to justify my leaving. And please don’t be angry it’s not personal but I’m actually so sick of people who have it easy. Who can choose what they want for themselves without being anxious. Who can wake up every morning to their significant other and be with them, kiss them, feel them, Fuck them, everything. The people who have all their friends and family cheering them and the relationship on and I’ve been nothing but kind to people in life and this is what I get. For life to spit it all in my face. Sometimes I think maybe I should consider an open relationship with him to feel more comfortable but I know he would feel uncomfortable and jealous and heartbroken and I would too. I would feel horrible and seeing him talking to other girls would give me a heart attack. Like this really isn’t fair… I want the relationship but I don’t and it’s so confusing? And one slight change of tone in someone’s wording to this comment that could sound like break up is going to set me in another anxious loop. Even if his tone changes I get scared that he might be upset with me, he’s leaving me, he’s abandoning me etc. it just never ends. Then I’m sad that I don’t have the spark in this relationship like I used to before but that’s primarily because none of my relationships were actually relationships first of all they were hot and cold crushes that used me for things like sexting and then blocked me…It was hard to trust people online after that ngl. People irl sucked just as well because I would constantly chase them only for them to ignore me. And I had a crush on someone who had no romantic interest or even similar hobbies to me whatsoever. People say the chase is what kept me going and that’s it an anxious loop which is probably true but at the same time I think to myself I didn’t really like chasing them. But I guess the anxious adrenaline you get from chasing a hot and cold person feels thrilling but it’s really anxiety. ALSO Another thing that is too much not only are people unsupportive but I have no group of friends to hang out with or anything. I feel like if I did things would be so much better. But I can’t even have that…I’m just in my room all day talking to my boyfriend all day, playing games, going for walks in my neighborhood and eating. That’s it. A lifestyle to literally commit suicide over how dull it is😭😭😭 Can’t get a job either because no one hires me and I’m not sure why probably because there are so many applicants and I just finished high school last year June. But please answer if you understand this because i have to build trust to open up more which is hard for me but please I beg if you can please reach out to me. I really need it. Thank you so much for your time 🙏🙏🙏