I need help

Hi, I wanted to ask if what I’ve been experiencing is normal with OCD because I’ve been really struggling and feeling confused. Lately I’ve been having a lot of intrusive thoughts and images involving girls. Sometimes random girls pop into my imagination during normal things like reading lyrics, watching romantic reels, daydreaming about my future, imagining myself blogging or taking pictures at restaurants, or even while playing games. I’ll see a random girl in my mind and then start questioning if I find her attractive or if I want to kiss her. Sometimes I see girls making kiss faces and immediately get intrusive thoughts about kissing them, which makes me panic and ask myself why I would want that. I’ve noticed that when I see romantic things or listen to songs with lyrics like “you’re my lover and best friend,” a girl will automatically pop into my head instead of my boyfriend. Then I get an adrenaline feeling in my chest and start wondering if I’m meant to be with a girl. I try to make my boyfriend appear in my mind, but he doesn’t always pop up automatically, and then I feel guilty and start wondering if I even love him. I don’t want to leave him, and I want him to come to mind automatically, but it feels like my brain is doing something different from what I want.I’ve also spent a lot of time checking and testing myself. I’ll replay thoughts and images over and over, ask myself if I like them, force myself to imagine scenarios, and then watch my feelings and body reactions. Sometimes I feel static feelings in my chest, tingling in my lips, numbness, adrenaline, heaviness, or emotional flatness. Sometimes I feel calm instead of anxious, which scares me because I start wondering if that means I secretly like the thoughts or if this is the “real me.” I also feel scared because sometimes I can vividly imagine myself in the intrusive thoughts, and afterward I get afraid that maybe I secretly want them. Other times I feel empty or like I don’t care, and that scares me too. I’ll have moments where I snap out of the thoughts and suddenly become scared about what I was thinking.I miss feeling love and happiness, and when I see romantic things I want that feeling again. Sometimes I feel fake because I don’t feel as lovey-dovey as before, and I worry that my sexuality is changing. I spend a lot of time asking myself if I love my boyfriend enough, if I’ve changed, or if I secretly want something else, even though I don’t want to leave him and I feel guilty for having these thoughts.

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

Sounds similar to my experience of ROCD. Happy to report that NOCD and ERP have made this a thing of the past 😊

ashlynnnnnnn

Date posted: Yesterday

you might just like girls too. and that’s okay.

Sofieee

Date posted: Yesterday

@ashlynnnnnnn I never had feelings for girls

udaybhanu

Date posted: Yesterday

I mean this as an OCD explanation than reassurance- what you’re describing is definitely normal in the sense that it is aligned with how OCD works. I’ve gone through similar cycles and obsessions and worked through them. Something that might be helpful is separating the intrusive thought from the rumination. The intrusive thought is the trigger, which is beyond your control. The rumination, which is the compulsion, is what you can actually control. For example, the intrusive images that pop up in your head are the trigger. You have no control over them- they just happen. The goal is to realize that it’s okay for thoughts to pop-up. It’s your reaction to the thoughts/images that you can manage. If you choose to engage with the images, like by asking yourself questions or trying to make your boyfriend appear in your head, you end up giving power to the intrusive thought. That arguing with yourself is the compulsion you need to resist, because OCD will continuously find new ways to disprove you. For example, there must have been a time where visualizing your boyfriend in your head worked and provided you a short term relief from the anxiety. Now, as you said, you struggle with it. Ruminating, arguing, reassurance-seeking, and checking are just compulsions that provide short term relief. The healthiest way to deal with these thoughts or images is by not dealing with them at all. I know it’s much easier said than done, especially when you’re experiencing all the physical symptoms you mentioned. Try your best not to react to your intrusive thoughts or those physical sensations, and just let them sit. The anxiety will rise, but then it will fall. Over time, the OCD mellows down. Most importantly, if you think you need help, please reach out to an OCD specialist therapist. I’ve dealt with similar OCD loops in the past, and I got through them with the help of an ERP specialist. It takes some work, but it works wonders! In case that’s not an option for you, try to practice response prevention on your own. Try to let those thoughts sit, even though it’s uncomfortable, and over time you’ll become more confident in seeing what’s real vs what’s OCD. Hang in there!

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