Calmer Day: Reflections + Question on Prior Doubts

Went out with friends last night which was very cathartic and won bingo!!! I feel guilty that in the throes of this I feel I prefer being around my friends than my partner. But I’m not allowing myself to ruminate on a reason for that :) I was wondering if anyone experienced general doubts, questions about their sexuality/relationship before developing OCD symptoms. It was reading a piece on repressed sexuality in women that caused the spiral, as I had some of the experiences outlined in the writing. I’m treating my resonance with the article kind of like resonating with a horoscope. You can align on traits and topics, but there’s no declarative proof that only people with a certain zodiac sign will experience those things. I’m not asking for reassurance - but I’ve noticed a lot of folks have said “I never thought about this until now” which in my case is not true, but I feel like there are others like me out there :)

goofy goober

Date posted: 18h

- i think it’s important to still understand sexual curiosity exists whether it hit before or after the ocd spike, i think you put it well on how we may fit traits and what not it must mean ‘this’ since you fit so many of the traits. i think ocd alone closes are mind or rather ‘fixates’ on the harsh parts and close mindedness. we want the answers so bad because it ‘must’ exist but realistically with our disorder no answer will ever be good enough and we have to somehow be okay “no answer”. im still very in the heat of my spirals and what not. maybe you are possibly gay or have the attraction to same sex, maybe you’re not/dont. -if you would really like to open up that part and think back to what you originally were doubting on i think it’s good if you explore that as an exposure, sexuality shouldn’t be something we are so scared of yet here we are (i suffer from the same theme)!

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 18h

@goofy goober Yes! What’s crazy to me too is that I don’t think I’d really care/give my sexuality that much thought if I wasn’t in a long term-relationship. But here we are, LOL I have inadvertently done some exposures with some previous experiences (finding certain people of the same gender super intriguing and maybe attraction as well), and reflecting on and reminding myself that it could mean I liked her sexually, or it could mean I just thought she was cool. But either way I have things to do today so I’m gonna go do them😎

goofy goober

Date posted: 18h

@Cat-Mom yes! i got to the point where it was eating me up so much i asked my partner for a break because it was just a lot and the relief is there but now im lonely, im practically learning to fight this dragon beast (my mind) with a pool noodle (me combatting it) and it’s so hard, very fresh for me still but i know it was best to put all my energy in me and you got this!!!

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 18h

@goofy goober I’m so sorry to hear that, it really sucks, but I’m confident you’ll come out of this stronger! These feelings don’t last forever (though they’ll convince you otherwise). I look forward to seeing the progress you make, all these comments of support make me so hopeful and happy for this community.

JustAJesusLover

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18h

i used to struggle with that too! I found that the more i explored if i was or wasn’t, the more anxiety i got from added uncertainty. i know you can get through this. don’t be guilty about being around your friends either. friends are a must-have. stay strong! ♥️

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 18h

@JustAJesusLover Yes! I’m accepting I might truly just exist in a gray area, or maybe one day I will find out. Either way, we’ll get on with our lives :) I always had unsettling thoughts of “you had a better time with your friends so you need to leave your partner”. So weird the guilt I’d attach to it but I don’t let it stop me from enjoying the time and making new connections :)

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