Relating to Comphet While With a Guy

I am curious if anyone in heterosexual relationships have related to multiple points in the “lesbian masterdoc”. If so, what did you relate to, and how do you navigate it? A little background on myself and how I relate: I never really had a crush as a kid, I faked one to fit in with my friends, but the first man I had interest in was senior year of high school, I was set up with him for prom. Guys from my school didn’t like me, lol. I’ve only dated men, but often felt I didn’t quite experience attraction/desire so strongly. I never really got the “sparks” thing. I can get aroused and get “there”, but in doing so I have to focus very closely on what I am feeling, if that makes sense. At the same time, in the beginning of the relationship with my current boyfriend we were doing it ALL THE TIME. And since this flare up of fears/concerns we’ve been having a lot more intimacy again. Not from a place of compulsion, I don’t think. I just want to be close to him. When out with friends, I enjoyed scoping out men and if they approached, I’d harmlessly flirt. It felt good to be wanted, even if I was in a relationship and knew nothing would come of it. But I was hardly ever the hook up type and did not want to have sex until I was official with someone. Alternatively, I like to be wanted by my partner, and always ask if he is okay with the amount of intimacy we’re having. He always says yes, and asks me not to initiate if I’m not feeling it (I’ve done that a lot, but there was no contempt or coercion behind it) I am the “chill” girlfriend. Cheating has never crossed my mind with him. I can’t even imagine my reaction if he did, but the idea of him being with another woman makes me sad. I want to be the one to love him. I’ve had curiosity to kiss gay women when out with friends a handful of times. And have been intrigued by a couple of gay women but the feeling made me confused/uneasy. I notice a lot of what women wear, and think that the female body is more interesting than a man’s aesthetically, but I don’t really fantasize about being with either men or women unless I will it to come to mind. I don’t fantasize about weddings. I have thought logistically about things but I don’t daydream. In pornography, I only ever focused on the man in more sensual videos. I am not turned “off” by women, but it’s not what my eye goes to in that setting. What does all this mean? I don’t know! But I don’t want speculation over my identity to sabotage a loving relationship I have with a man right now. I can’t say with certainty that leaving to try dating women would bring me more peace, safety and comfort than this (when I’m not spiraling about how I feel…. Which has been going on for a bit). But at my worst, I know love is there.

s 🫶

Date posted: 17h

I discovered I was lesbian shortly after a relationship with a guy ended - and there are a few things you mention here that might help you a little :) whenever I see things like sex scenes in shows or movies, I always look at the woman. I always have and never really had any interest in the men involved at all. But regardless of what you may find your sexual orientation to be you clearly love your current partner! If you didn’t love him you wouldn’t be upset at the idea of not being in love with him. Also, the general consensus within the lesbian community tends to be that the “lesbian masterdoc” you mentioned describes bisexuality more than lesbianism and I agree with that.

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 17h

@s 🫶 This is really helpful. Thank you for pointing that out about the sex scene thing! It’s helpful to remind myself of that when I’m in these spirals, that there ARE instincts. I do love him so much. He’s a real gem and takes such great care of me, and I want to take care of him.

s 🫶

Date posted: 17h

@Cat-Mom Aww I’m happy for you!

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 13h

@s 🫶 Thank you! We’re making a lot of jokes as exposure which definitely takes the sting away a bit. Having the power to make decisions is scary and frankly I don’t like it, LOL. But I’m choosing to stay and accept the uncertainty

ninkaninga

Date posted: 1h

@s 🫶 i’m scared that i also look more at the women when i see a sex scene😞 or i dont know. i dont wanna be a lesbian. I also have so-ocd.

goofy goober

Date posted: 19h

do you think prior to your first serious relationship you had any interest or curiosity with women? it’s hard to say since ocd does complicate it so much and it almost makes you feel ingenuine in a way, nothing is wrong with having thoughts about women but when you say you pay more mind to a woman or being the curiosity to kiss them were you peak spiral?

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 19h

@goofy goober To kiss a woman, yeah I’ve thought about it when with gay women (3 total) who were already showing interest in me! But prior to my spiral I thought it was interesting but kinda let it go. On the flip side, I did kiss a friend on NYE one year bc her guy stood her up and she asked me to kiss her, and I felt nothing toward it. I questioned my sexuality a bit about a year or so ago, when Chappell and Billie and other queer women were really at the forefront of media. Just got me thinking and it upset me a bit, because it made me think of what that meant for my future and long-term relationship. At that time (and longer in the relationship) I was growing concerned that I wasn’t experiencing attraction to him. I kinda reflected on it and went “nah, I don’t think I’m gay” (watched some porn and my eye just kept going to the guy, lol). So I left it at that at the time and figured I might just be a little scrambled in the sexuality department.

goofy goober

Date posted: 19h

@Cat-Mom gotcha! i think for us always wanting the answers to come so quickly and be just so apparent especially with this theme has made me actually understand sexuality a bit better as a whole! for me the big part labels is a big part of it and my desire to feel and have the KNOWN certainty of being that sexuality although SO-OCD does cause a lot of other floating thoughts that i may pay attention more too due to how alarming they are, if that’s a thing for you as well maybe look more into that, if they don’t mean much to you I say ride it out with your guy and always being transparent with him. Unfortunately this theme is traumatizing due to it all being such a mental game and erp is a little harsh when done alone, in my instance i may have not been ready for it and exposed myself to things maybe I wasn’t ready to see, it just allows for more mental checking and further intrusive thoughts with imagery. day by day is the best you can go and thank you for sharing your experience always feel free to message me too!

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 18h

@goofy goober It’s definitely alarming because I really don’t want to not like men. I want my boyfriend and I to work out! We’ve been through so much and are so strong together. We are like the same person copy-pasted but we have complimentary traits as well. Even asexuality I can handle better than just being gay. I’ve been struggling with the urge to “experiment” through this, but know it wouldn’t be smart because even if I enjoyed it, does that mean everything else needs to end? That’s the craziest part. No answer MEANS anything has to end. I’m sorry you’re dealing with intrusive imagery. I’m lucky that I don’t deal with much of that. Never daydreamed much about sex to begin with. But I have willed some images to my mind and of course my body only responded to the women. But I know our physical responses can’t be taken as factual.

vBayv

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 19h

I wasn't familiar with the masterdoc until I looked it up. The general consensus seems to be that the points contained don't really make much sense. Regardless, sexuality isn't black and white, and making the wrong decision doesn't really have any consequences. You clearly love your SO, being attracted physically to other people doesn't change that. As always, meeting these fears with a "maybe, maybe not" is a good first step.

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 19h

@vBayv Thank you for this response! I do love him so much. I was scared I didn’t for a bit, and when I had this breakdown it became so clear to me that I did, and do! I’m taking it one day at a time right now.

Cat-Mom

Date posted: 20h

Hope I get some engagement on this. I’d appreciate some perspectives!

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