FEELING LIKE NOTHING EXISTS AND IM NOT REAL

i had my first panic attack back in february of this year. a deep rooted fear of mine has always been “what if i end up like my mother”, who has all types of mental illnesses, the top two being psychosis & schizophrenia. when i experienced the panic attack it was the most frightening thing i’ve ever experienced. i immediately told my husband “this is it, i’m losing control” “i’m at the age now where the schizophrenia & psychosis are taking over”. even after the panic attack was over, i couldn’t calm myself down. grounding techniques just weren’t helping. if anything it made me feel worse & kickstarted my derealization. i started asking myself “why am i listing 5, 4, 3, 2, 1”? “am i going to lose control and forget everything”? i started feeling detached from the world. i quit enjoying activities/hobbies i always have loved doing. anytime i would try to partake in them i’m consumed the whole time by the thoughts “why do this? i’m not feeling any pleasure. if nothings real why am i doing anything?” it started making me feel like i was driving myself genuinely insane. how can two things coexist as “nothings real, i’m not real but i’m here and living”? i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m literally at a point where i just feel hopeless like nothing will ever help.

no more running

Date posted: 23h

I'm sorry my friend. It's very very hard especially because it's accompanied with dpdr. Still, it's good to see an existential fellow here. We are not represented that much. I have similar fears. Especially around "what if everything is in my mind and therefore I'm the only concious being in existence?" And as you said, it really impacts everything and paralyzes me because if it is true, why would my values matter? Why would kindness matter? How can I trust anything in this "potentially fake" word? Would I even die one day? It's like there is no single certain ground I can stand on. None. And the derealization fuels these thoughts. How are you now? Are you doing better?

relaxingcherry

Date posted: 19h

@no more running honestly, i’m feeling more and more hopeless with every day that goes by..i feel like i’ve done something to my brain that can never be undone or fixed…

no more running

Date posted: 19h

@relaxingcherry I completely understand that. I reallyyyy do. I even doubt if my brain is real or not; anything physical honestly😑🤦‍♂️ It feels like we've discovered some hidden truth and seen behind the curtain and now we can't unsee it, doesn't it? That feeling is very common in existential ocd. It feels impossible to go back to who we were before these thoughts. I've been dealing with them since January but I've had some 2-3 weeks where I was doing good. There have been easier days. Don't give up please. Also usually what follows is the second layer of "what if this thought never goes away or it makes me crazy or changes my world view fundamentally". This second layer has been very hard for me but it's possible to overcome. Do you know what your compulsions are?

relaxingcherry

Date posted: 19h

@no more running i really don’t know what my compulsions are. i just feel insane.

relaxingcherry

Date posted: 19h

@no more running do you have another platform you wouldn’t mind communicating on? it’s kind of difficult to keep up in these comment sections lol.

no more running

Date posted: 19h

@relaxingcherry I can share some of mine. Maybe yours are similar

no more running

Date posted: 19h

@relaxingcherry Umm I have discord. We can talk there

relaxingcherry

Date posted: 19h

@no more running my discord is katertott

no more running

Date posted: 19h

@relaxingcherry I added you

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