trying to get back together with ex

alright yall, this might be a long one. me and my ex boyfriend have broken up 2 times now. this most recent time he moved to my town to be closer to me and slowly proved himself to me. one night however, he went up on a mountain and didn’t tell me anything about what he was doing which was weird because he usually tells me everything. he also does have a little bit of ocd. anyways, i got very angry and frustrated and ended up yelling at him. after that fight it feels like he has pulled away. he started smoking again everyday which is not good for him because it makes him foggy and just not really care about much including me. we have had conversations since this fight about how he doesn’t know what he wants from me anymore and that hurts considering we have been trying to figure things out for months now. flash forward to these past two weeks. he keeps giving off mixed signals and acting weird. he hangs out with this guy every single day (they smoke together) and it makes me anxious and overthink everything because this guy is also gay. he’s not his type in any way but he has told me that his friend “is an attractive young man and has a really kind heart”. he has also told me that he loves that i don’t smoke or drink so it’s just out of character for him to be doing anything with this guy. all while he’s been telling me that he thinks that things between me and him are going to be okay. i’m scared that he’s lying and doesn’t want to fix things like he says he does. he goes camping with this guy, sees him on his break at work, and constantly texts him when we are together. all i want is him and to fix things between us but it’s hard because it’s almost like he just won’t let me. he says he wants me to tell him everything i’m thinking and feelings since it’s an issue we have ran into in the past, and i’ve gotten better at it. the things that bothers me is the fact that i’m working so hard on myself but it feels like he isn’t seeing it. he says he is, but then goes and hangs out with his friend instead of me. also side note, i went through his phone one night (i know i shouldn’t have) and found out he was on grindr. that’s where he met his friend instead when i confronted him about it he said he was just making sure that i wasn’t on there. i don’t know if i fully believe him. anyways, sorry for the long post. these past few weeks have been rough.

MK97

Date posted: 10h

Don’t give up. It’s hell OCD in any theme. But the best thing, which is also the hardest, is cutting off the rumination loops. It’s sounds too simple but no matter how much you try to solve the problem and these signs with him and his friend, ocd will never be satisfied and In reality, the loops have no bearing or effect on the actual reality of the situation. My favorite ERP statement, which seemed like I_ was doing every 5 seconds at first, is “not solving this right now”. Overtime your brain learns it doesn’t need to ruminate about things You actually can’t control. It’s quite fascinating. Hope this helps you

jaydaniel.com

Date posted: 10h

@MK97 thanks for the reply! it makes sense and does seem simple. my only issue is that the thoughts keep coming back and when they do it takes so much just to think about anything else, let alone stop thinking about it. it’s getting to a point where it’s starting to ruin my life.

MK97

Date posted: 10h

@jaydaniel.com Few things that helped me, cuz it was ruining mine to to the point I couldn’t even work a job: 1. Takes discipline and hard work, to be the observer who catches the seemingly automatic rumination loops and cut them off. It will seem you are doing it every 5 seconds. 2. Pray. Even if it’s not to God like for me, pray that a higher power/the universe helps what you can’t overcome by yourself. This is the 2nd principle of any addiction after admitting the problem, and same applies here. 3. It gets worse before it gets better. Trust me on this. Mine got louder, intrusive thoughts didn’t even want me getting out of bed and leaving house. But please have faith in what this process is and the people who teach it and have gone through it instead of your own understanding. Once it learns, like a bully, that it doesn’t bother you or doesn’t get attention, it will stop. Just my two cents. I’ve been doing treatment since January and I’m considered an OCD conqueror now (got a phenomenal therapist too). I feel like I actually have a life now and space in my brain to think clearly and be present. It’s been nothing short of a miracle

jaydaniel.com

Date posted: 10h

@MK97 thank you for the advice. i will try to start these habits asap 😁

MK97

Date posted: 10h

@jaydaniel.com Best of luck my friend. The process will be worth it, and honestly, it makes everything else in life that normal ppl struggle with seem easy once you heal from this and get it under control

Love1another<3

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 7h

It sounds a lot like “Real Event OCD.” I understand how painful that must feel when OCD attacks your loved ones and red flags that you are seeing. Life in general is super uncertain. The best thing you can do is to follow your values while also trying your hardest to resist compulsions. And if there ever comes a day where you become too uncomfortable in any situation, just know it would be okay to step back from it for your mental health

jaydaniel.com

Date posted: 7h

@Love1another<3 thank you for the kind words. the thing that worries me about that is that i’m scared that if i take a step back from him he’s gonna see it as me not caring when that’s not what’s happening. i wish i could take a step back and detach a little but still be there and present

Love1another<3

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 7h

@jaydaniel.com That’s very understandable ❤️‍🩹 Sometimes people take a step back not because they don’t care, but because they care soooo much about the person that they need to protect their own feelings. I think that’s where communication may help- to clarify that for the other person if need be. But I also see that you said you are already trying your best and they are still treating you like a second option. That doesn’t sound very healthy for you. You are putting in a lot of effort (which is amazing and necessary for relationships to work) but an ideal love interest would reciprocate just as much attention, loyalty, and affection that you are giving him. So I don’t think the issue is you. I actually think he should step it up a notch to make you feel loved, ya know?

jaydaniel.com

Date posted: 6h

@Love1another<3 i understand what you mean. it gets a little complicated there because i was neglectful towards him after we broke up. but we have also had conversations about how ive realized my immaturity and want to change them and learn for him. so in a way he’s waiting to see that from me but at the same time just doing whatever he wants and it’s really hard. i want him more than anything and i want to do whatever i can for this it just feels bad. that’s why i’m having a tough time trying to balance detaching and still showing up and caring. thank you for your kind words stranger 🤍

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