i wanted to share my thoughts with you guys to see if anyone thinks the same thoughts as me. i had a pretty bad night last night so i decided to write all the thoughts i have down. i’m going to therapy today to get diagnosed and i’m really nervous but i’m hopeful it will help with my rocd and hocd. unless i just like don’t have it lol. background- my boyfriend of 4 months. we had been best friends for a year before that. sarah is his ex. i had and still to this day have a very toxic relationship with her and he would tell me too much abt them and what the did. he lost his virginity to her which rlly bothers me. when it mentions johns that was a party about a year ago where he got blackout drunk and couldn’t talk or sit up straight on his own and i had to stay in the bathroom with him alone for hours and clean up his vomit, pull up his pants, and carry him outside and it traumatized me. and kelly is my therapist. thoughts i don’t actually love him i’m leading him on i only want to be best friends again i’m not happy enough when i’m with him i’m not good enough to him he doesn’t like me he’s going to break up with me him playing video games and not paying attention to me means he doesn’t like me anymore him needing space means he doesn’t like me him not wanting to hangout means he doesn’t like me he’s probably sending nudes to other girls and i would have no idea he still likes his exes he still likes the girls he told me abt months before we were dating he isn’t good enough (vapes) i get so beyond sad when he drink/vapes my stomach drops (bc of johns) he’s lying to me abt vaping, drinking, weed beady eyes (i hate that i think this) not actually attractive if i think other guys are attractive it’s bc i don’t actually love him if he thinks other girls are attractive it’s because he doesn’t actually love me i’m leading him on other people are way more in love we’re going to break up i’m annoying him i’m too sensitive and he’s going to get tired of it comments he made abt sarah (she cries so much, she thinks we’re gonna get married) he was annoyed with her when he made those comments so he could be making those comments abt me i think abt sarah every time he does something cute/ hold his hand etc (‘he did this with sarah too’ ‘sarah thought it was cute when he did this too’) i don’t actually have feelings for him i’m just tricking myself that it’s ocd the thoughts are real if i’m having these thoughts they must be true i should break up with him now so that i don’t hurt him longer feel anxious going on dates in public older people judge us feel like kelly will judge me ‘she’s just a teenager she doesn’t know what love is’ scared people think i’m gay that ‘we knew you were gay from when you were little’ scared my friends think i’m gay scared kelly will think i’m gay having doubts abt loving my boyfriend means i like girls thinking a girl is attractive means i’m gay noticing a girls ass or boobs makes me gay ‘it runs in the family’ (my cousins are mostly all lgbtq+) i’m having the thoughts so it must be true i don’t have hocd i’m denying that i’m gay