OCD and Infidelity • my story - any suggestions?

So my wife in the first 3 years of our relationship cheated on me. It was one night and then a bunch of regret. We moved past it, but in a big way it has always triggered my OCD since. Then maybe 3 or so years ago she sexted with someone across the world. Again a one night thing. She blocked him. We healed, but again it intensified this obsession that she is always cheating on me. We’ve been together going on 11 years this December. We recently tried dating together, and my wife asked if we could date separately. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to do, and to make matters worse she had already matched with someone she met on hinge and wanted to meet them in person when she first really brought it up to me. Needless to say all of this has been very triggering and almost ended our marriage not even one year in. We are no longer exploring Poly, at least that’s what we’re leaning towards. The thing is, these events have exacerbated my obsession that somehow in some way she’s cheating on me. She’s always lets me go through her phone, and steam messages ,and what ever else I want if I feel like it. I really believe she loves me, and doesn’t want to cheat on me or hurt me. So much of my time we spend very happy, but then I get an intrusive thought or remember those experiences, and I ruminate or interrogate her, or just get caught in it. I want to be in a place where this isn’t running my life. I just don’t know how to handle it? How could I do exposure therapy with this? Or tell myself there isn’t merit to my feelings. I don’t know how to juggle putting my needs first and not giving into compulsions at the same time. I don’t want to leave my wife because I love her, but I don’t know how to find peace with everything either. What a good move here? Any advice? <3 Kinda ridiculous gif to lighten the mood <3

nomoreocd24

Date posted: 14h

Hey man, I’m not telling you what to do. Maybe, there’s more to the story, but based on what you shared, I encourage you practice self compassion and respect. It doesn’t matter whether you are a man or woman, you should never do anything you are uncomfortable with, especially if explicitly expressed. If you are both mutually interested in a polygamous relationship, then okay, I guess. However, that does not seem to be the case. So encourage you to reconsider if either of you are genuinely happy. It’s hard, I’m sure, but if the answer is no on your or her, it might be best to separate. Because there seems to be a cycle. Personally, cheating is a deal breaker. You can love someone from a distance. You don’t even have to argue or anything extreme. Just leave. Work on yourselves. Your only alternative is to set healthy boundaries in an effective communicative way. Hope that helps

Prickly Pemi

Date posted: 13h

@nomoreocd24 I think part of what is so hard is we are happy, when we’re together I mean. There are problem I mean sometimes I wish she was more emotionally available for support. Sometimes she wishes I cleaned more or slept less often (I have narcolepsy), but I love who she is, and what she loves. Are values are very similar. Her ability to focus on her own world and not get caught up in others has helped me try to learn to set those boundaries myself and remember I’m okay when I’m alone. We’ve been each others first everything, and started dating in high school. Our lives are so intertwined that trying to untangle them honestly… I wouldn’t even know where to start. I want to just be happy with my wife, and I believe she isn’t lying to me.

JeffTheGiraffe

Date posted: 5h

@Prickly Pemi My honest opinion which might sound harsh but you need to hear it (based on the context) She cheated twice, once in the beginning of the relationship and again 3 years ago and she wants to be polyamorous? Leave her, she does NOT respect you and you have every right to be obsessive about whether or not she’s cheating. She should have never put you in that position nor should you settle for that. I also highly doubt that this whole double date thing was your idea. She’s not committed to you. This may seem tough to hear but it sounds like she’s using you, even if she isn’t doing it maliciously. Know your worth and don’t look back. This has nothing to do with you, this is entirely on her. You need to leave her and take that time to grieve. If you still are unsure, please consult a therapist because they can give you a more objective lens considering you’ll provide more context than you did here.

Prickly Pemi

Date posted: 3h

@JeffTheGiraffe I get that, I have talked to a therapist about it all extensively. There’s certainly more context that I think would help explain why I want to stay and believe we can grow past it all. The double dating was my idea actually 😅. Right now she has been the one pushing to be monogamous again. I’m just not sure I want to do that right now. I want to date, and hopefully meet someone that I can have at least a short term connection with. I’m not sure though, I can’t really connect with anyone when I know it’s hurting/scaring her. Sure, she hurt and scared me, but I don’t really care to like get her back or put her through that. I don’t think it’s so cut and dry that she just doesn’t respect me. I think the reality is I couldn’t take anything like this again. I told her semi recently that the way we were handling dating separately was making me feel unloved and un cared for. And basically that she was losing me. Things have changed a lot since then. I’m not saying my wife has been any where near perfect. We’ve worked through a lot of anger and sadness. She has certainly been messy for lack of a better word, but honestly I was the only thing that kept her around after 23 for a while. Shes only recently coming out of what has basically been life long intense depression. I know I don’t deserve to be betrayed, and that I deserve someone I can trust. If 3+ years down the road she cheats again 🤷🏻‍♀️ I will leave and be by myself for a while and grieve, but I won’t regret staying and being here now. For as much pain as there has been, there’s also a lot of love.

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