Don’t know what this could be

Hey guys, so I’m still in the midst of a spiral and I’m very worried and having anxiety. I’m so scared because I keep getting this feeling, these thoughts that my bf and I won’t last and that we’ll just move on with our lives and find other people. Like it scares me so bad. I just want him and nobody else. But it’s scary because I don’t know the future so it sucks just having to live without knowing and having that hope that we’ll eventually get married. I keep getting this feeling of “I’m probably leading him on” “I’m probably just forcing myself to stay in this relationship just to make it work” but it’s like, whenever I hear his voice I feel better. He came by yesterday because I broke down so bad and he was comforting me. It felt nice. But why do I keep getting “I’m just forcing myself to stay just so I’m not alone” ?? Like I really don’t want anyone else but I’m so scared that we won’t last. I hate this so much. We hit 4 years next month. I think it scares me that people will just break up with their long-term partner and find someone else. Like I don’t want that I just want it to be him. 😢

alan87

Date posted: 15h

I struggle with this and my spouse. I have rocd and anytime my wife does something I don’t like or that throws me for a loop, I begin to question our compatibility, what if we separate, are we really in love, etc. Even yesterday we had a small disagreement where I am a Christian and she is not and she said people cherry pick the Bible. I was questioning everything in that moment. That is OCD. Because I woke up today loving my wife, and knowing that my job is to protect and to care for her regardless of her belief.

Rhu

Date posted: 15h

@alan87 See and that’s what I need to realize. I’m in love with him and though I don’t know the future, I’m in love with him now and care for him so much. And that also sounds about right, if he does something that I don’t like I’m already in my head like “okay what if we just break up” but thankfully that’s never the case. It’s just in my head and that’s it. I get over it lol.

Rhu

Date posted: 15h

@alan87 I know that we’ll be okay, but I have been going through this for over a month. So I’m assuming because of that my brain has been so stressed out and on high alert that I don’t feel natural with him and that I keep questioning everything. OCD really is the devil.

alan87

Date posted: 14h

@Rhu I understand what you mean. That you feel unnatural. That is OCD. I would try some mindfulness or grounding techniques to help bring your mind/thoughts to the present.

titaniumonetwo

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15h

So it's possible you will break up at some point, it's also possible you won't. No-one can guarantee the future, but you can choose to live today in the relationship, even if it's difficult

alan87

Date posted: 15h

@titaniumonetwo This is a great answer. Choose to live in the here and now, not the what ifs of the future.

Rhu

Date posted: 15h

@titaniumonetwo Omg that scared me cause all I saw was “you will break up soon” 😭💀 but yes I’m trying too it’s just so hard.

titaniumonetwo

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15h

@Rhu I know it is, I haven't suffered from rocd for a long time (I generally struggle with pocd/real-event/scrupulosity these days) but I remember the challenge it was.

Rhu

Date posted: 14h

@titaniumonetwo Which is crazy cause months ago I was struggling with pocd/real event/harm ocd. Now it’s Rocd for me.

titaniumonetwo

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 14h

@Rhu And you might (though I hope you don't) go back to those again in the future. One thing I've noticed with my OCD is whichever is "dominant" is "worst" and all the others seem easy by comparison... Until they return

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