this has to be the worst contamination yet

my cat was playing with a cup. i didnt care, cats do that. but it had a roach. and i noticed after shed been around the apartment. on my bed. on my couch. now i have to pull an all nighter after going out (saw it as i was leaving) to clean everything. and i cant even clean the sheets bc i dont have a car and the laundromat for the complex has roaches and is dirty and i have to wait for the cleaners to come at their scheduled days then i have class then work. i just cant i have no energy. i am a horrible person bc she was meowing and meowing begging for attention but i couldnt bring myself to pet her when i dont have time to at least wipe her and wash my hands. my hands are already crackling and cant handle anything more and i have to avoid touching dirty things. i’m so overwhelmed. i love her but this was really just a moment for me. i can’t rn. my friend is enjoying a night out without me bc i had a panic attack. i hate myself sm.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

I have contamination ocd too, and I don’t know if this is any comfort but I feel like I’m there. Your mind probably feels like it’s going too fast. I always end up making my ocd worse by adding guilt. I have zero doubt you love your cat. I had never had a pet but when I did I struggled A LOT, I still do. Also, it’s hard to explain to even people close to me why I would feel frozen and so angry at myself and embarrassed. I don’t know where you are in your process with your ocd but it sounds like you’re anticipating this to take up a lot of time or effort or both. Your cat will get pets and love from you, it’s okay that you can’t right now. I have been there with the hands cracking, it hurts so bad and feels like punishment. If you can and haven’t seen them, I recommend aquaphor hand mask gloves. I don’t know how you’ll feel about them but they speed up the healing process. Also, I know because of how angry or disappointed I get with myself I try to push off crying or letting myself feel upset, but as soon as I do my head clears up and I can start to make a plan on how to mitigate a bit.

ihateithere

Date posted: 23h

@Anonymous i got home a little bit ago and didn’t do anything. i am kind of inebriated and can’t really walk straight so i can’t clean. i still kissed and pet my cat but im still thinking of how much i have to clean. idk when ill wake up bc i have to clean, watch a foreign movie for class, do a500 word assignment, go to class, get ready for work. idk what to do. i’m pretty scared. i’m also so tired. i want to do the school thing first and foremost bc i won’t have any time when i work and ill get home when the assignent closes. i also feel so bad for my cat i know she can deal but like, that’s my soul cat. i feel like she’s in my spot as a kid if my parents were mad at me and withheld love. thank you for the recommendation i didn’t know that was a thing. i cried at first but i still feel all this tension especially now that i drunk and what makes it worse is the other stuff affecting my ocd when i was out of the house. i’m so scared to leave the house atp. i want to create a plan but i have zero time. i will have to wait until thursday but it feels like that’s too long to be marinating in roach germs. i feel so abnormal if i let myself continue life normally, like ill be judged, but also like the roaches are infecting me. i don’t think this makes any sense but thanks for ur comment. it helps to know someone relates.

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