I’m tired of this

Lately I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed and confused by my OCD symptoms, especially around intrusive sexual thoughts and sensations. I feel like my brain has been constantly monitoring my reactions and trying to figure out what everything means. I get intrusive sexual thoughts/images involving girls that feel unwanted and distressing, and the hardest part is that I start checking my reaction to them. I ask myself questions like “Do I like this?”, “What does this mean about me?”, “Why did that feel real?”, “What if this is a new feeling?”, or “What if this means I’m lesbian?” A big part of my OCD is that I don’t just have a thought and move on. I start testing and analyzing. Sometimes I intentionally replay an image, make it more vivid, or wait for a feeling to happen so I can understand my reaction. When I do this, the thought can feel very immersive, almost like I’m in a daydream or dream state. It can feel very real, and then I panic because I think that the intensity or realism must mean something about me. I’ve also been experiencing a strange physical sensation that is hard to explain. It feels like a lump or heaviness in my chest/throat, almost like needing to swallow a thick feeling. Sometimes it feels mixed with what I interpret as a sexual sensation, which scares me. I start wondering if the sensation means I secretly want something or if it reveals something about me. The sensation usually becomes stronger when I am checking, replaying, focusing on my body, or trying to figure out what it means. sometimes when I see a trigger, my brain almost expects a sexual reaction to happen, like I can feel that sexual feeling creeping behind me and I notice myself scanning for a feeling and asking, “Do I like this?” or “Am I feeling something?” If I notice any sensation, I panic and start analyzing it. Other times I feel numb, disconnected, or like I am not myself, which makes me even more scared because I feel like I cannot trust my own feelings. I have also been experiencing a dreamy or unreal feeling where I feel disconnected from myself or my body. It feels like I am in a fog, like I am carrying the feeling of a dream. My body can feel light but heavy at the same time. This usually happens after I have been stuck in a cycle of intrusive thoughts, checking, and trying to get certainty. My OCD also affects my relationship. I have a boyfriend who I love so much . He’s literally the most cutest and handsomest man ever and I care about him so much , but my OCD makes me question my feelings and whether they are real. I can have moments where I naturally think about things I love about him, like his silly faces, his funny personality, his nerdy side, his random fun facts, his technology interests, his unique walk, and memories where we laugh together. Then my OCD interrupts and asks if those feelings are fake, it’s like I’m Blocked from thinking off him and even when I read about stuff I love about him. I question if I really love him, or if I am forcing myself to feel something. It makes me analyze moments that used to just feel normal and happy. A recent example is when I was remembering a sweet/intimate memory with my boyfriend, and instead of just enjoying the memory, my brain inserted a fear that he would turn into a girl. Then I focused on the uncomfortable sensation and started worrying that it meant something about me. I felt scared and overwhelmed because I started thinking, “What if this is my new sexual feeling?” When I stop analyzing everything I can feel more like myself again, but then a new trigger can restart the cycle. I want help learning how to stop the mental checking, testing, and reassurance seeking because I feel exhausted from trying to figure out what every thought, image, and sensation means.