me in a nutshell

@Nastenka i just can’t anymore with this fear and saddness and emptyness over this topic😔 i question and analyze everthinkg all the time. It’s just numbness or anhedony or what. Like whats wrong with me? I cant even say confidently that im straight because i dont feel anything for men. But i dont feel anything for women but it makes me feel like i do😔

@anca Yessssss!! I feel this 100%. Like will this get better? Will I ever be in love? Will I ever be able to have a relationship? Enjoy life? Have u been diagnosed? Or being in therapy? Seeing psychologist? Because i did not. Never. And i want to….but im scared.

@ninkaninga No, I'm scared of therapy too and also there are no erp specialists in my country anyway so I couldn't do the proper therapy even if I wanted. But I have these questions too and I try to live with them even though that's what I've been doing for years and I haven't gotten more confortabile with the uncertainty. But it's true that in these 6 years I didn't know about ocd and I compulsed a lot so maybe that's why, idk. These questions get hard to carry, especially when love is something I deeply want but feels more out of reach as my brain throws more and more questions at me. I don't know if it will ever get easier and I think living with this theme for so long and not knowing did change my idea of relationships, like the other person said. I think I developed a black or white way of thinking about love and attraction as a way to not make a mistake and get into the wrong relationship

@anca Im just giving up living like this and seeing others not experiencing OCD and anxiety and all of these fears i have. I just feel like im robbed of something….

@ninkaninga Same!!! I'm so jelous and bitter towards people who live normally and never have to think abt any of this. It's very hard to have everyone in your life experience relationships normally while you have to live with constant anxiety.

@anca Im just a weirdo😔 So many people told me that they totally believe that im not gay. I feel like i dont believe anyone. I dont wanna date women, i dont want them, but im scared what if i want? And feeling nothing towards men also leaves me feel so empty. All my sexual fantasies and even relationship ones were with men. I never had a thought like that about a woman in a way where i would be like wooooow i really wanna date this woman, nor had sexual fantasies. Even thought i get images. But i just keep making weird faces like “ewww why i have this?”

@ninkaninga Yes same. I never asked anyone what they think but I have had friends ask me if I'm lesbian because they thought it was weird that I didn't have crushes like they did and it was very triggering, that's where my what ifs first started. And the scenarios too, I cant even do that anymore because I always get instrusions of women. I never used to before this year, but now, whenever I try to imagine myself with a man, not in a compulsive way, just because I like to imagine it, he gets swapped with a woman and it's so annoying, it was the one thing I had, the only way I felt like I could get a glimpse of what it feels like to experience love and now I don't even get to have that. I'm sorry you're going through this too but it makes me feel less alone 😭

@anca and how scared I’m of comphet😔 it makes me sick. all of this makes me sick

@ninkaninga No cause even seeing the word comphet makes my skin crawl 😭

@jag92 Ohhh really?🥺 at least i dont feel so alone. How do u cope?

@minioooons But i dont want to be aromantic. Thats another obsession….when i dont think im gay im scared im asexual/aromantic. When i think about being aromantic it brings me to tears. Because i really really want to be in love one day. IT SUCKS. Because i know that i really want to love someone, give that fucking love to someone but i just feel so NUMB. Like i dont even deserve live this life…..