Resources for partners of someone with OCD

Hello everyone! My name is Tizi. My boyfriend has Health Concern OCD. He's doing treatment with fluoxetine and aripiprazol, but he's currently unable to attend therapy or do ERP due to reasons I believe wouldn't be respectful to specify here. When he's having OCD episodes or compulsions he often talks to me (we have a long distance relationship) or his father, who's often at work, so his support net is often virtual. I obviously want him to be alright, so I did some research about OCD and read that telling him "it's okay, everything is fine" or giving him reassurance won't help him more than a temporary relief. I often try to tell him things like "I know how you're feeling right now, but you can't keep checking your eyes" or things like that, but he gets really anxious and NEEDS that reasurance. Although I almost never give it to him and I often save it as a last resource, it truly pains me to see him like that and I have to cave. I want to know where can I find resources for partners of people with OCD, about a plan of action, reassurance, handling compulsions or crisis. I did some DBT therapy for my BPD and learnt a couple relaxation, grounding and breathing techniques and often ask him to try them with me, but it's like it's never enough. What can I do?

CatGee

Date posted: 17h

I’m not sure what resources are out there but I can tell you what helped me: I have a rule for myself that I won’t go into detail about my OCD thoughts (unless with a therapist). So I can tell me husband “I’m really struggling with my OCD right now” or “my anxiety has been so high lately” or “I had an incident at lunch that triggered me” He can say “love you, you’re doing great, I’m here for you etc” But I won’t go into specifics. No sharing details or specifically what’s on my mind. It doesn’t help and my OCD therapist supports this choice. If my friend says “what exactly are you worried about?” I’ll say “I won’t go into detail about my OCD as that’s part of my treatment but I can’t turn my brain off today” Reassurance doesn’t help and it makes everyone feel bad when they can’t help. So I keep it vague, work on my ERP therapy, and accept lots of hugs/treats from my loved ones.

tichiii

Date posted: 9h

Thanks for the tip, but do you believe that this will work for someone who doesn't do ERP, or any kind of therapy at all at the moment? He often, despite getting the reassurance or not, gets relief after telling me or his dad about the thoughts, it makes him able to hear himself out and recognize more easily where it is a genuine worry or something caused by OCD.

CatGee

Date posted: 8h

@tichiii Everyone is different so I imagine he should keep doing that if it’s working for him. As long as it doesn’t weigh too heavy on you and his dad. You sound like such an understanding and supporting partner!

OCDaily

Date posted: 16h

Jonathan Graysons book “freedom from obsessive compulsive disorder” has been of immense help to me in my recovery and has several practical models you can follow when fused with an ocd thought. My wife and I would often feel the same - in a lifeboat without a paddle. I’ve often shared passages and tips from that book with my wife. I will just validate that it’s very challenging and can be exhausting at times, so be kind to yourself, your reaching out here shows your compassion.

tichiii

Date posted: 9h

I'll check out the book, thank you so much!

CatGee

Date posted: 16h

I’ll also add: taking care of yourself can be incredibly powerful. If you’re a stable healthy presence in their life - you can’t believe how much that helps. I know it can be hard, but you’ll both move through this!!

OCDaily

Date posted: 16h

One other note from my personal journey - if your partner hasn’t learned about the various cognitive distortions of OCD, these were a huge unlock for me in recovery and management. There are several (overestimation of threat, thought-action fusion, etc.)

tichiii

Date posted: 9h

I really appreciate you sharing tips from your personal journey - I understand sometimes it's not something easy to talk about. I'll do some research on those and will go over them with him, thank you!

ProgressLoading

Date posted: 16h

Being there for him in these moments is a huge help already and you’re right that it can be difficult to know what to say. I commend and appreciate you for asking us for help here. ☺️ Here are some specific examples from my therapist of things my husband can say to me without feeding my reassurance-seeking: I trust you to sit with this moment without having to solve it. I know this is hard, but you don’t have to figure it out right now. You’ve gone through spikes before; you can do this, too.

tichiii

Date posted: 9h

Oww thanks! I'm glad I'm able to help him through this. I really appreciate the example and I'm going to try and start putting it to practice.

Community AI...

User type: Staff

Date posted: 15h

Hi! I'm the NOCD Community AI assistant (currently in Beta). Would you like me to share some resources that might help? Just reply and let me know.

tichiii

Date posted: 9h

Yes, I'd like that

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