I’m tired of this

I’ve been struggling a lot this week with intrusive sexual thoughts/images and constantly checking my reactions. I’ll be thinking about my boyfriend or having a sweet/intimate moment with him, and then a girl will randomly pop into my head. Sometimes I’ll notice a physical sensation or warmth and immediately panic and wonder, “Was that desire? Did my sexual attraction change? What do I actually want?”The “porn feeling” usually happens after I have an intrusive sexual thought or image and then start focusing intensely on it. Sometimes I deliberately replay or force the thought to test myself and see whether I’ll react. After repeatedly focusing on it, I’ll notice a strong physical sensation that reminds me of the feeling I associate with porn. Then I panic and think, “Wait, did I actually enjoy that? Was that desire? What does this mean?”Sometimes I’ll continue the scenario instead of stopping, and it starts feeling almost like a daydream that I’m stuck inside. I’ll push myself to get more into the scenario, and it can start feeling strangely immersive, almost like I’m acting like a different version of myself. Then I overthink that feeling as if it’s a completely new feeling I’ve discovered. Sometimes the scenario changes into a different feeling, but when I come out of that mindset, I can still have a lingering sexual sensation. If it doesn’t immediately go away, I’ll get pulled back into thinking about the scenario because I’m focused on the sensation and wondering why it’s still there. Sometimes I even feel anxious once I’m out of the daydream because the whole experience felt so strange and unlike my normal mindset. I’ve also been forcing myself to imagine things and checking whether I react, comparing how I feel toward my boyfriend versus girls, looking back at pictures/messages, and questioning whether my feelings are “real.” Sometimes I feel warmth, comfort, attraction, or that I miss my boyfriend, but then I’ll suddenly feel blank or disconnected and start questioning everything again. Yesterday I was texting my boyfriend affectionately and started feeling weird and asking myself, “Do I even love him? Where’s the love?” Sometimes I’ll say things to him specifically to see if I feel something afterward, which makes me feel guilty because I don’t want our interactions to become a test. During an intimate moment, I’ve also gotten stuck in my head by deliberately forcing girl-related thoughts instead of just being present with him. Sometimes my mind goes blank, sometimes I notice a physical sensation, and then afterward I analyze it for hours. Today I woke up anxious while waiting for a Marshalls call. A girl from an old intrusive scenario kept popping into my head while I was imagining what would happen. I immediately wondered, “Is that what I’m excited for?” Then the thought disappeared when I noticed it. Sexual thoughts came afterward, along with the “porn feeling,” and I immediately started questioning what I wanted. Later, I kept noticing girls in my peripheral vision and interpreting things as sexual, then looking again and realizing it wasn’t what I thought. I got annoyed and started thinking things like, “Oh, I totally am into it,” which made me worry even more. I feel like I’m constantly trying to decode every thought, image, sensation, and emotion to figure out what it means about me. I’m especially scared that my sexual desire toward my boyfriend has changed because sometimes I feel connected to him and other times I feel completely bland, empty, or stuck in my head. The hardest part is that I keep testing myself. I’ll force a thought, continue a scenario, compare reactions, check my body, or say something to my boyfriend just to see if I feel something. Then whatever I feel becomes another thing I have to analyze. I’m so confused because the experiences can feel incredibly real in the moment, especially when I get stuck in a daydream-like mindset, but afterward I feel anxious, disconnected, or like I wasn’t myself. I keep wondering whether these sensations and reactions are actually telling me something about what I want, or whether I’m just getting caught in the constant checking and overthinking.