(rant) do the triggers ever even get better

So i've been going though an obsession regarding personality disorders, especially npd since somewhere around May. while it's gotten managable (i maybe only think about the topic a few times -or not at all!- during an entire day) and i no longer ruminate that often anymore, i still can't handle seeing anything related to the subject without immediately getting triggered and scared. i then worry that this reaction is narcissistic defensivenss or feelings of inferiority, and almost automatically start asking myself questions to "prove" i don't have npd. the raw anxiety from a few months ago has disappeared, but now i have a nagging, ever-present self-doubt instead, telling me i actually don't have neither adhd or ocd and that symptoms aren't enogh to qualify for those diagnoses, and that they're actually signs of a massive, giant flaw in my character that's completely unfixable and corrupt. while i theoretically know that the feeling only lasts a few minutes, i still get so scared sometimes from so silly things like seeing a video in my youtube feed about npd. (this happened like a few minutes ago and is the reason why i'm writing this.) i've even gotten hesitant if i want to continue seeing my therapist because it feels like my struggles are barely struggles at all and just some regular teenage hormonal stuff, and that i'm actually the problem and something must be wrong with me. idk i just wanted to vent a bit to people who might understand without immediately giving reassurance, which feels good in the moment but always, no matter if it's hours or weeks, fails at keeping the doubt away. i know i'm supposed to accept the possibility and say "maybe, maybe not" and whatever, but i just CAN'T make peace with even the thought of lacking empathy, being a narcissist and getting told by everyone i'm not because i've deceived them or hidden my true self or something. i'm just so tired of this and i've barely seen anything at all, EVER, about this subtype. thanks to anyone who might read this in advance :))

Date posted: 2d

Can I post a fact about NPD without it being reassurance?

zacadaixa

Date posted: 2d

it would depend on what it is about, but sure go right ahead :)

Date posted: Yesterday

Well, being worried about being a narcissist is the opposite of how a narcissist feels thinks, feels, behaves. The primary symptom of NPD is thinking nothing is wrong with me, rather I’m special and everyone else has the issue. Narcissists are rarely treated because they often think that they don’t struggle with much of anything inherently.

zacadaixa

Date posted: Yesterday

that fact is still so bizarre to me despite having known it for a while. maybe that's the reason i fear the disorder so much, because i don't understand it? do they really feel no concern about their character at ALL, ever? how would a self-aware narcissist act, or do they even exist? and how rare would they be in that case?

Date posted: Yesterday

Well, I am a clinical therapist and work closely with personality disorders. Treatment for NPD is geared toward behavioral intervention because the behavior is learned. People who have NPD are very concerned about their character- but most often in a way that is defined by feeling unique and as if others should treat them with a level of status. I hope this helps.

zacadaixa

Date posted: Yesterday

thank you for the clarification!

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