On The Verge of Giving Up Please Help

I have been thinking about suicide a lot recently. And the thing is I don’t actually want to die I just want the thoughts to go away. I am set to get married to my amazing fiancé in 8 months and yet my mental health is awful. For context, she has been through a lot of sexual trauma. Basically from the age of 5-20 sex has been apart of her life. Abuse, assault, grooming, you name it. She’s been through so much and when she’s opened up to me about it I haven’t handled it well. I’ve been struggling with really bad ROCD, Retroactive Jealousy and Secondary Trauma for about 6 months now. She’s knows I’m working on it and trying to get help but I don’t think she truly knows how bad it is. It’s all I think about all day everyday. I never have experienced any trauma and have had a easy life and she’s the first person to ever open up to me about such trauma and it’s a lot and my brain has just handled it so well as spiraled. This is the woman I want to marry and I’m truly getting to a point I want to end my life because I can’t take these thoughts anymore. It’s a swirl of anger, confusion, jealousy, lust, sadness, etc. Hating how many gross men and older teens preyed on an autistic young girl online. Her being falsely taught from a young age that her body was the only way she could get any sense of love or attention. We are a Christian couple so waiting till marriage, but obviously she’s said she has more she needs to talk to me about because it will affect us being intimate in our marriage. With how many times she’s felt used and made to do things she didn’t consent too. I really care about her a lot and want to get to a better place. But my mind can’t wrap my head around everything and I have all these intrusive thoughts, and mental images and movies and I just don’t know if I can take it anymore. Been looking for OCD therapists and either they’re booked out 2-3 months or just insanely expensive that I can’t afford them. If any reads this please help me, I don’t want to die, but I also don’t know how else to get these thoughts to stop.