Religion OCD

It is my first time making a post I don’t know if anyone’s going to read this, but I’ll just rant. When I was a kid and even as a young adult now I’m struggling with a lot of health issues .. at first, when I was sick, I never used to correlate my sickness with God, I would just think I ate something bad or I made a bad decision and it ended up with me feeling sick. I have emetophobia, which means I have an extreme fear of vomit. I’ll be honest I couldn’t even type the word vomit until I did some exposure therapy, but even with the therapy I didn’t fully do my homework and saying the is the only thing I’ve graduated from. I still am extremely scared. When other people do it around me I run away or I cover my ears., if somebody does it at home, I won’t use the bathroom or shower at home, I’ll delete the persons phone number because I don’t want to see their name and I’ll wear a mask at home and to sleep and try to stay outside of home. Now back to religious OCD, any time I was sick I would usually sleep on my mom’s bed when I was younger, when I was sick, my mama will always have a tendency to say “you should’ve prayed more” “ see you shouldn’t waste your time doing [insert hobby that makes me happy]” So imagine kind of like conditioning, every time I was sick I would hear something like this. So I sooner or later linked being sick to God punishing me. Even now as an adult, I still think like this . I’ve gone to. I guess you would call them priests and explain my situation and they will tell me that I shouldn’t think like this, but it’s hard when it’s already been engraved into the stone. I have so many hobbies, and I love to meet people, regardless of their gender, but whenever I have male friends and I get sick I have a tendency of cutting them off because I’m scared that I’m being punished and I must’ve done something wrong for being friends with males. But now I can’t even enjoy my hobby because I keep thinking I’m wasting time and how I should be just praying and doing something that God likes , but I know God says you can have hobbies and enjoy life but I was taught otherwise and it’s hard to ignore the tiny voice in my head.. even if I got help, it would be so hard to truly get rid of this thought process. I’m so sad because I feel like I can’t even enjoy life or anything that I like because I feel like I’m doing something wrong . Sometimes, when I think about being a kid, I miss how innocent I was and how I didn’t think like this, and that my brain wasn’t tainted yet from other people’s opinions . As much as I love my religion, and I do still believe in God, I hate the people who twist religion and use it to manipulate people . Is unfair and not right. Why do people always have to teach religion by always instilling fear? I wish I could see religion as something happy but I only see it as a military boot camp and my brain always is thinking of hell and how I’m always doing something wrong that God will hate me. I’m too lazy to look back and see if I made any mistakes so if I made any grammatical mistakes just ignore that