Is it better to stay alone?

I've started talking to my ex again and she is wonderful. She likes to chat and she's better with communicating her thoughts and feelings and everything is good. None of it feels good, though. Everything she does annoys me, even things that don't regularly annoy me? She often acts playful but I see it as childlike and I just want her to stop doing it. She calls me petnames I've told her she can call me but now I hate them. I don't know why. I thought that this is some issue unrelated to ocd at first but... everytime I have these thoughts, it sends me into a spiral of how bad of a person I am to be thinking these things. A similar thing has happened to me in all of my past relationships. Once I broke up with that person, all my bad thoughts for them went away and I wondered why I even broke up with them in the first place. But, to be honest, I don't really care if I regret it or not. I am starting to hate being in relationships because it makes this cycle spike up again. Relationship ocd is so different from others because it has a clear, direct cause. It still has its moments even with my friends and family but nothing compared to this. Should I just break up with her?

Anonymous

Date posted: 19d

Im not sure the answer... id look into why you feel annoyed by everything they do. Like for example it could be a coverup for something deeper in relationships that bothers you. I know thats the case for a lot of people with avoidant attatchment. When the pressure of relationships is active they fixate on all their flaws. Once its gone those flaws matter way less.

Anonymous

Date posted: 18d

Literally could have written this myself. I’m not sure exactly what it is in my case (or yours) but it’s probably some clusterf*ck of OCD, attachment issues, projection, and actual identity. What I’ve noticed is that, with all of my relationships/situationships, when I end things it’s because of a feeling of annoyance that causes a feeling of anxiety / rumination / discomfort that isn’t present in friendships. My current partner and I were friends before we started dating and we would joke and do bits all the time. But once we started dating, I REALLY struggled with thinking it’s childlike (my therapist suggested it could be a projection of POCD themes). I, too, nitpick and find flaws and can’t get over them. It’s exhausting. I’ve realized that annoyance can be an extension of avoidance, driving us away from our partners because we’re afraid. The same can be said for disgust and other negative emotions, which a lot of people with ROCD struggle with. My advice is to lean into the behaviors that make you annoyed as an ERP exercise. What is it like to be silly with your partner without ruminating? Is it uncomfortable? Good. You’re not alone! Although you may feel discouraged rn, try to push through the negative emotions. Flip the what ifs on their head: what if you do this and it works!

♡`　Mercy

Date posted: 17h

It's been a while since I posted that original message in the first place but I have broken up with her, though we've decided to stay friends. Seeing your response and what you said made me feel like I was hearing myself talk which sucks that we both experience such similar things, but it's nice to know you're not alone in it. With the POCD thing, I feel the exact same way. This is especially she sometimes will age regress, though. No matter how many boundaries we put on it or how much I tell her not to talk to me if she's in that kind of state, I picked apart everything she said for hints of "childlike" talk and it made me feel so frustrated and disgusted by myself. But, at the same time, it was definitely also some kind of attachment issues manifesting in the whole situation. Something i don't really acknowledge but I feel all the time is that when I enter a new relationship, my brain views the situation differently almost immediately. I start predicting when we will break up and the rest of the relationship feels like a ticking countdown. If they like me more than I like them, my brain just hates it and I feel this incessant need to push them away. If I like them more than they like me (like with my ex bf for example) i abandon all sense of identity and become exactly the person they want and if they then like me more then I'll start to dislike them and go through the same path. I said that once before to a friend of mine and they looked at me weird; I don't think I'm supposed to look at relationships in that way. Anyhow, I'm sure if I understood how to manage this, maybe one day I'll think about getting back into dating. For now, I don't know if I'm ready to get back into that cycle with anyone. Still, it's definitely nice to know that someone experiences similar things to me and has it all worked out for them. Thank you for this!

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