Experience of partners of those with OCD

i am in the same boat especially relating to when we need time to heal

Hi. I’m sorry it’s been so difficult, but sounds like you’re learning a lot ab ur ocd & how it is effecting life & the relationship…seems like good progress to me (even if it causes more stress initially)… The fact that ur i.d.’ing these thoughts and related compulsions would be a big improvement if you hadn’t realized the extent of ocd’s grip on your thinking & behavior. If you can call it out, & be up front & communicative with your partner, those all seem like positive developments (vs. hiding them, suffering silently with them, feeling secret shame or avoiding the feelings all together). In my own case, have had several long-term relationships that ultimately ended for a variety of reasons; never married, no kids but could’ve gone that direction more than once… However I’m now seeing my ocd was making a lot of the decisions & mostly in the driver’s seat (perfectionism/‘just right’ type). After recently getting back into therapy for ocd as an adult & learning more, I am looking at all my adult relationships with a different view. In all cases, there were some legitimate issues that came up organically on both sides, but ultimately my ocd was never going to be fully satisfied with anyone, since none of them were ‘perfect,’ & thus it ‘didn’t feel right,’ & let that emotion drive the decision making. Part of that is also the ongoing fear of ‘not making the perfect decision,’ and related hypothetical effects, which many times meant decision paralysis sets in (no decision/no action); either forcing someone else to make the decision to end the relationship (definitely subconscious at the time, but likely some form of self-sabotage) or me making a choice led by fear/emotion vs. something more consistent w/my values.

My therapist put it best, that u can i.d. ocd if it is taking u down a path that’s inconsistent with ur actual values… That rly stuck w/me bc it’s the best definition I’ve heard, as it can help to understand what is ocd driven, & what is an organic or natural thought or fear born in the appropriate context… So for example, if ur questioning something about ur mate or relationship, & the feared outcome doesn’t align with what u actual believe or know to be true, than that wld likely be an ocd driven intrusive thought that may easily lead to compulsion, checking, reassurance seeking behaviors… However it is very difficult to parse these things out in real time I’m well aware! Many times I’be looked back on my behavior or decisions after the fact, & realized what I was doing was ocd driven (didn’t at the time, etc)… Just my observations & best ideas around this right now, again I have been focused on the perfectionism/just right ocd type, so don’t take this as gospel and still feel like a reborn newbie (many terms & research that wasn’t around when I started this fight back in the early 90’s!). I was diagnosed when I was very young & thought I left a lot of this ‘ocd stuff’ in childhood; I cldnt have been more wrong! Haha. Think I’m just beginning to see how it has always been with me the whole time (now 44), influencing my entire decision making process. Feel like I’m also getting much much better at identifying these thoughts or compulsions where I didn’t before. Hoping to get to a place where I can make better proactive decisions in order to thwart compulsions (as opposed to mostly being REactive), & getting led down a path driven by ocd/fear/distress, vs. my actual values… Not there yet, & am still struggling every day…but the only way I know to deal is through facing these things one day at a time. Plus Im learning a LOT more about who I actually am; which explains most all of my past. Some real epiphanies since taking the recent plunge into NOCD. Sorry for all the posts & ridic length, but I felt compelled to chime in w/my own experiences & what I’ve learned reading my own behaviors & past relationships. It is tough now, but I’m very confident I’ll have a much more informed head whenever the next long-term situation comes along. Sounds like ur doing the hard work w/therapy (ur here!!👍🏼) & making inroads & educating urself & so improvements generally come along with that. I believe best to understand it’s a marathon not a sprint (a ‘practice’ if u will) & there’s gonna be good days along with the bad. Hang in there & I think the more open & honest u can be on this with your spouse & folks in your life, the better. I have decided to just let everyone in my circle aware of my issues & it has been a big help to not have to come up with excuses & just be able to be honest with my struggles. Just my 2cent opinion & realize my situation & struggles are specific to me; but I felt some commonalities with the way I’ve hypothetically doomed romantic relationships, far prior to when they actually ended. I’m hopeful to not trip on the same snags in the future with this new understanding. Hope any of this can help in some way. I’ve learned just as much from listening to other fellow ocd sufferers as therapy. So also find great insights & community in regular group therapy along with the individual sessions. Wish u the best & “keep living with it!” as my therapist always says.

I’ve been in exposure therapy for a few months, & it really has been tough. Definitely got instantly harder dealing w/ocd after starting out; which makes sense due to messing with ur current behavior/compulsions & asking patients to sit with their distress. I’ve heard a lot of folks say they had similar experiences when starting out with exposures. It certainly has broke my brain open in how I’m looking at my past behavior, & my current relationship with fear, decision making, & risk tolerance.

U said it! Cowabunga duuude!! Haha

Okay, gotcha. I think many ppl wld say the same thing ab me as well. Altho, ppl that know me very well aren’t fully surprised when I (try) to explain to them I have ocd & what it is (since it explains a lot of my past behavior). I never was ashamed that I had ocd (still not the case!), but I also falsely assumed I had left it in childhood, so I didn’t identify as still suffering from it…so it rly didn’t come up much ya know?? But all that to say, that ocd truly is isolating by its nature. Since it is something we deal with from our own brains, it obviously gets very nuanced & individualized with specific struggles, fears, compulsions, triggers, childhood environment, ocd sub-types, and the like…. However after doing a decent amount of group therapy now, & despite these differences, I’m kinda hearing most ppl saying the same overall points (tons of crossover & descriptions of how fellow ocd folks describe the cycle & onset of these unwanted or intrusive thoughts, & feelings & rituals around compulsions & behaviors induced to relieve short-term stress). Like in your post, I’ve really identified with many ppl putting their struggles, emotions, thoughts & feelings into their own words. I’m constantly going ‘We have different types of ocd but THAT is EXACTLY how it feels!…’ or ‘I’ve never heard anyone put it just like that, but that explains it perfectly!’… So I feel like I get a different kind of qualitative value out of hearing different ppl talk about their own struggles & how they view it. I certainly RAN to group therapy bc the ocd got very bad & slowly just withdrew from many facets of life as ocd commanded more & more attention, stress & time. Besides those awful effects, I think the other worst part of it is how lonely and out on an island ocd can make u feel. It’s individual suffering so makes sense but is a terrible downstream effect. Luckily, when u start digging in & looking around, u see that millions of folks around the world are suffering with the same or similar issues. Def feelin the positive effects of a rly great & kind community. Sorry to blab on, but I don’t post much believe it or not. U struck a chord tonight!

Thanks for ur story & feedback. It helps me as well. Wish u the best with therapy & getting to a better place with it all. U know someone w/ocd now! (guess I shld put a name on the acct at some pt 😌). I’m not sure logistics but obviously hit me up any time for any support!

(okay u inspired me to update my profile finally, haha.) it’s Adam btw.

I've been married for 13 years. I went through a really bad ocd flare up for 10 months. I've been doing well for the last several months. Just became an ocd conqueror. During the dark days, it did put stress on our relationship because when we are suffering it affects those around us. They want to help and can support us but they can't do the work for us. Medication and ERP has helped me. Your relationship will be stronger when you come out on the other side of ocd. I started Nocd in May with an ocd score of 27 and I'm down 63% no ocd symptoms and anxiety and depression gone. There are support groups on here for friends and family of people with ocd. Hoping you feel better soon