Relapse

I think it’s important to remember that you don’t want to watch pornography because you don’t like the way that it makes you feel. Not because your OCD says porn is evil, not because your OCD says you are evil, but because it is kind to your brain and your body to watch things that make you feel good. And it sounds like pornography doesn’t make you feel good. A lot of kink is born from trauma. Many people find great comfort in being hit or tied up, and many people find great comfort in doing the hitting and tying. There is nothing inherently wrong about having kinky sex or watching weird porn!! Sex is something that has very few rules. In fact, the only important rule surrounding sex and porn is consent. As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult with access to all of the information they need to make informed decisions, sex can be an incredibly freeing space to explore traumas, obsessions, and pleasures. The porn industry is often exploitative and it can be difficult to find ethically-made porn. One way that you’ve done that is by watching animated porn. Was anyone actually hurt in the process of making that animation? Or did someone spend hours making art, recording audio, and editing everything just right? It sounds like someone’s passion project, and it doesn’t sound like anyone was hurt or exploited in the process. I tend to enjoy reading erotica, as it’s a safe place to be horny and kinky, and the only real person involved in the process was the author. Lots of people enjoy finding community in their local BDSM scene, where they can safely discuss parameters, boundaries, and consent, before exploring some of the fantasies they’ve never felt comfortable telling others. Maybe there’s a way to explore your own fantasies without feeling shame afterwards? It sounds like your OCD is convincing you that you need to abstain from pornography in order to be a good person. Perhaps you could look into ways to honor the animal that you are, one with sexual desires. There is nothing inherently wrong with sex, pornography, or you :)

Watching porn doesn't make you an evil person, but there's plenty of valid data confirming that it's not good for you, psychologically. Are you in OCD therapy? If not, perhaps you should consider it.

I understand.

It also hurts because I still saw horrible stuff yesterday, even though I was on very mainstream sites. It's genuinely gross the stuff people make and that makes me feel like I'm on the same level as them, even though I purposefully avoid watching anything like that. God I hate this

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