Hi everyone, really needing some support and advice. I have recently had a melt down after reading a horrifying story in the paper.it was about a child being raped and murdered. I was feeling anxious before I read it but after reading it I got a horrifying feeling of anxiety and started to think what if something happens to my kids, which quickly turned into what if I hurt them etc and that was it, my head went into overdrive, I focused it on my youngest who is two. I was worried to change her nappy, bath her etc and I actually begged my a Auntie to take me to the hospital to be sectioned as I thought what the hell is going on in my head!! I have read other threads which have helped and talked with others who have been here too. This has been going on since Feb last year, and I honestly feel. Like my brain is fried, its a constant intrusive loop day in day out about all this nonsense and I honestly feel I can't take anymore. I have tried self help. I am currently taking 40mg of citalapram and after a long long wait I will be starting CBT on Thursday 9th my daughters 3rd birthday. I have two older children and never experienced anything like this. I'm so lost in my thoughts please help

Hi everyone. I’m going through it at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated. I posted this before, but I really need to vent about this again. Feeling really anxious. I would just like to hear more opinions and advice please. So my main theme of OCD is harm related, especially towards my mom. I live with my mom and I love her dearly, and she loves me as well. We’re best friends and have been close my whole life. I was diagnosed with ocd and generalized anxiety disorder at 15 years old, and I’m 32 now. Got back into therapy this year due to flare up of my ocd. Back in July I had the thought “what if my mom wants to hurt me?” Which led to thoughts that she is going to hurt me in my sleep or plotting against me. Also just other crazy thoughts like what if she’s secretly a killer or something. My mom is one of the kindest people I know, gentle and polite to everyone she meets so to have these kinds of thoughts just seems too bizarre for ocd. They seem almost delusions. There were also urged to like barricade my door at night so she couldn’t get in, which I never did of course but the thought to even do that and feeling like I wanted to freaked me out. I even had the thought like “maybe I should report her to the police.” It just sounds crazy deep down, but those thoughts and fears feel so real at times. It just seems to lead to more paranoid type thoughts and it freaks me out. Fast forward and the thoughts went away, but the past two weeks or so they came back and I have been thinking them on and off. They give me anxiety, which then makes me think I believe them. Like if I’m scared of the thoughts, that means I believe them. I wonder a lot if I really believe them or not. I know I truly don’t deep down, I never once thought like this before, but the feelings and doubt make it feel real. I have told all of this to my mom and she understands me, but I feel guilt and shame as well to have these thoughts. I want to get back into seeing a psychiatrist again since it has been 15 years without any adjustments to my medication, but ai’m terrified of seeing someone new and then diagnosing me with schizophrenia or think I’m experiencing psychosis due to how delusional these thoughts sound. I’m scared to be misdiagnosed, even though I have always just been diagnosed with ocd. But maybe I have changed… I hate these thoughts and I just worry they’re too bizarre for ocd. If this isn’t something else. I’m scared ERP won’t help with this or that it will make it worse, prolonging me from getting different help that I may need instead. Thank you for reading all of this.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

Since I developed ocd as postpartum my ocd has mostly always targeted my kids. It started as harm and then switched to pocd. Both are equally very painful. For years I was mostly able to keep my ocd at bay but when it comes back it’s so bad. I have a son and a daughter and my ocd switches back and forth from kid to kid with horrible intrusive thoughts and now even intrusive ocd dreams. With each thought I get past and start to feel relief another one pops right up. The thoughts feel so real and true even though I know it’s just the ocd and not how I think or feel, the ocd always makes me doubt myself and question everything I think or do. I know other moms/dads go through this too. Please anyone who has or is going through this please tell me how you deal with this. 😪