Real Event OCD and following your dreams

So many people get angry when someone does something horrible and finds success, saying that they don't deserve it and should be outcasted and shunned. How does this not apply to me? I actually did bad things, and they're not trivial in the slightest. Even though it was not a crime, in the eyes of many it's unforgivable. I was a teenager for most of it, but I took too long to stop and realize how bad everything truly was. None of these things have justification or excuses... it's was all selfish, abhorrent and disgusting. How can I even begin to think about my future when I already did so many unacceptable things in the past? It's like I'm hiding a graveyard of skeletons and it would be unfair of me to keep it hidden from potential friends, coworkers and communities. At this point I'm giving up on college and projects because it all would lead me to expose myself to the public, the same public that would otherwise despise me for my past. I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. Any help or advice is appreciated.

VVbee

Date posted: 8h

I'm awfully sorry that you feel this way, I'm at the very very exact same spot as you and it's something that torments me everyday. Which means what I'll say may not be live saving advice considering I'm a current sufferer, but I'd hope that it could give you some relief.! I've also done things that you've described, to where many of the public view may see as unforgivable or really offensive. There were some complex situations that make me fear that I could've actually done something really bad, despite being young as well as coherced and hurt by kids a year younger/my age range, was told absurd things by adults and there's just so many complicated factors to it that would last me hours explaining.. It hurts a lot and it's so painful considering I've been told I have a crazy imaginative mind, I have many interests and comforts that I believe are undeserving for me to have, as well as I have so many dreams/projects that I'm ambitious for; it seems too unrealistic now due to my fears and shame that Real Event OCD just continues to feed onto me. The issue with this subtype is that it's just endless confusion on what's really true and what's dramatized, best I can describe it is that it's like a serious non-fiction movie turned into an opera show. It also has affected my social life as well as wanting to make any sort of connections, unfortunately new connections are being made without trying, and what makes it unfortunate is the uncertainty of a bad ending to it all. Trying to solve it or ruminating won't do any good, I've had a habit on having the urge to "fix things" but in reality it just worsens the feeling/thoughts more, and it sucks a lot since it's always shoving in your face and screaming at you to dwell on the shame. You really gotta distract yourself somehow in some way so that it temporarily lessens the severity, and letting yourself feel the unknown is horrifying but is the most uneffective, although in my case it always returns at the end of the day due to how bad it just is and I'm still working on it. : ( I'm not going to tell you "maybe, maybe not" because it's not a "maybe, maybe not" it's a "it happened, now what???" and that's what makes it so much scarier considering that OCD is a disorder that everyone assumes is all fictional thoughts that torments us. That's true but it's obviously more complex than that,, it distorts, exaggerates, and turns everything you think or have done into a life sentence. This disorder obviously ranges from severity, but it can just get so ugly and horrific so easily. Overall, the last thing I'd say for now is to continue working on your passions. <3 It doesn't have to be published or anything, just have it as a personal goal to work on so that you won't feel so guilty on not doing anything you wanted to do in the future. And keep doing what you love, it's hard to feel deserving of it, but if you'd say I deserve to be happy then you should take that advice for yourself as well.

VVbee

Date posted: 8h

I really hope you're doing okay though, this subtype is the most dehumanizing one in my opinion. 🫂💜 I'm also sorry for the rant, I was even planning to say more but I stopped myself before I just started babbling hshs. As someone who's currently into medical health, my own disorder is as tormenting as well as something I'm passionate in talking about. :,,) Nontheless, if you ever need to rant or talk further to someone about anything really I'm obviously here.

WideBit

Date posted: 5h

@VVbee Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I'm sorry you're going through the same as well :( I've been told so many times that confessing is a compulsion that I ultimately regret later, yet I can't help but feel like I'm deceiving others by keeping such sensitive information to myself. It's the whole "if they knew..." scandal. I did end up telling my parents, professionals, and even some friends, and they were all kind about it. However, I've also read so many things on the internet that point to me being considered the worst of the worst that it completely paralyzes me. Personally, I really wanna get into software development to build something important for people, but I'm also a huge fan of game development. Unfortunately both of these things require me to find a team, build a community, and basically be "visible" to many people. That horrifies me. I feel like most people wouldn't want to support the work of a bad person, so I really don't know what else to do to for a career (maybe join a company?). I do like your suggestion though, to make things for myself and the people who trust me even if I don't end up publishing it. Maybe in time I get the courage to do it, but I really need to practice not confessing (especially on the internet) or else I'll just make things worse for myself. Thank you for reaching out though, I really appreciate it! :]

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