Hello guys. Sorry I am writing again and sorry this is a very long post. I am trying to get over something that just got super worse and deep today. I am in high doubt about my condition. I hope someone here had something like this happening and that you can help me. Please don’t comment anything if it will make it worse. My story is the following: About September, this guy moved to my house. The first day I met him, I felt something. It wasn’t love, just a kind of attraction. I knew I wanted to know him more and see if it could become something more. Yes, I knew he was gay before because I was in my room when he came to see the house and room. About me, before we go forward. I have always dreamed about having a serious relationship. To find love and yes I thought maybe something could happen since he was gay and so was I, especially if he’s single. So, back to when I met him, he was and is very reserved, doesn’t talk much. A few weeks went on and we met a few times in the living room, we chat a bit, not much, but I was interested in him and I wanted to know him more. So I started texting him. For the first times it was more of a very short talk. Nothing more. I kept my cool and I was going to see how things were going. I knew he was having hookups as well because I met a guy at the door once and I could hear him walking with others around the house to his room, or leaving for an hour or more and coming back home. Still I wanted to know him more. In my head it could be because he was single and free. One day, in October, I organised a games night. We got along, we talked more. He did some touching here and there, he would show interest in me. And I in him. Eventually after that day we started talking a bit more. We even found out we liked similar things. The week later, he asked me to go to this Meetup and to this play after it. I thought he was into me. I was happy and excited. Probably more than him, since he doesn’t show emotions. The day came and when I met him at the meeting, we were ok. I was dressed to impress and happy. We were going to have dinner after and then go to the place for the play. But this guy who we met at the meeting and was interested in him, made himself invited. They got along very well, chat a lot and I felt outside of it the whole time. Eventually I got super jealous. I put in my mind that I would give my ticket to this guy as a way to show my anger. So did I. When it happened, I left and they were confused. Eventually he was not sure what was happening, I was heartbroken. When he came home we sat and talked and I said I LIKED him (I have always been open about it and always told him how I wanted to make him happy too and how my feelings didn’t change). He said he wasn’t looking for any serious relationship, just sex and hookups. He said we could and should be friends. I agreed. But we remained in touch, he even helped me with things I needed. A few weeks passed, we were still talking. I was genuinely happy. We also agreed on doing some cuddling but as friends. I know it should have stayed like that. But eventually it happened one day. One day I came home and brought him food. I complained I had back pain and he said for me to take a shower and meet him at his room and he would give me a massage. That time we knew something was happening but he was clearly not into a relationship. There was also a day when we were watching something at his room and cuddling and a kiss and we almost went forward with sex. But we said no and I left after the show. Needless to say we had moments, cuddles, slept together, had sex, went out. We were Friends with Benefits. I have been praying and thanking God for helping me and blessing me but sometimes I questioned the faith when something wasn’t going right (ex: the day he told me in my face he was going to hookup with someone else). I wanted more, a relationship but I knew he wasn’t ready and I understood. But my feelings kept growing. I focused on him because I liked him. And I was hoping we could become something. He cared for me a lot and he gave me lots of attention but started to distance himself. He was never the one to talk much and I had to make him talk and ask him the questions if I wanted to learn more about him. Again, he is naturally avoidant, reserved and distant. But I felt I was always doing more. Even though he did sometimes too. We had a few arguments along the way but somehow managed to keep things, he even said one day he thought about us becoming exclusive. But dismissed it somehow. After some arguments he started to have doubts if this was something we should continue. I knew it was because I was needy, clingy and demanding. It has always been a fault of mine when I like someone. I have trust issues from past relationships, poor self esteem and I am jealous. Of course I started going paranoid as of what he was doing. I used to text him and make conversation to see if he could tell me where he was or what he was doing. I regret it and I regretted it at the time. Especially because he never lied to me. But my trust issues from the past are quite rooted in me. Needless to say that since we started having more encounters, and talking more, my mood got better but with it my insecurities and I was overthinking about him, when to text, what to say, basically I was thinking about him all the time. I guess I suffocated him and one day he called it quits on us when we had a fight and made it more clear around Christmas. That time he said he didn’t see a future with me because he couldn’t rely on me and that I am not ambitious. But I always showed him I am both for him for which he said it was true and contradicted himself. I asked him if he was saying things just for me to let go of him and he said ‘maybe’. I never let go of the idea that he is afraid of relationships (he said he doesn’t like to be vulnerable and he cane to the U.K. to leave things (past relationship and other things) behind). I was in Portugal, but I never stopped hoping we could get back ‘together’. I missed him very much. But I had my doubts if this was something I should go for, doubts I had sometimes in the past due to this insecurity from him. Weeks passed and we have been talking less and less. Only when necessary. And I am afraid I might be looking at some things and overthinking, like for example, I feel he still has something for me, don’t ask me but I feel it. We talked the other day because I needed to do it since I came back from Portugal. I told him that I will focus on myself. In between, I asked if we can ever get back and to how things were and he said maybe one day. He does have some moments when I think he cares for me. He gave me a mug during the time he was traveling in Europe for Christmas (he said it was just a souvenir but I think he thought about me because I gave him something for Christmas before he left). He played Katy Perry in the living room but he’s not the biggest fan, he just likes her but he know I do like her. And other stuff. I feel from his actions that he still has something for me! I just feel it. ( I’m afraid by texting this that I will attract bad things now and he will stop doing things like that or he will be more distant and I am afraid I am being delusional which is another symptom of the Obsessive love disorder). Again, my anxiety increased more and more along the time. I became over thoughtful, I prayed a lot, I still do. I question myself if this is a relationship I should pursue and I even doubted my feelings. I have been told I am too obsessed, something I realised too. I wanted to change and think about myself, because I know that is the only way I could maybe save something. Since we were having something that I have had moments I felt some groinal response every time I see a man that catches my attention or is attractive. Something that makes me anxious and afraid. I am always afraid God is trying to tell me something like I am not good for him, or that if I feel something for someone else, God will push him away from me (Rocd). Anyway, I was talking to a friend yesterday, she once again pointed out how I am too obsessed about him and I know I am, even though I’m trying not to, and to move on, but with hopes we can become good friends and maybe one day see how things go. I would like to have something more meaningful but I am aware that neither of us is ready and I need to settle my issues first. This I want to keep him close, as a friend. Be here for him and help him, make him happy the best way I can. Anyway the more I read about OCD, the clear the picture is that I have Rocd! It fits! Well, moving to today. I woke up with this song I used to like and now I hate ‘Paparazzi’ from Lady Gaga. Immediately I started overthinking about if it was God’s way to tell me all I have been having is an obsessive love, if this was even real love to begin with. I did what everyone should never do: Google it! I was stupid and careless but hopeful I would find an answer dismissing my fears. I couldn’t and I found out about Obsessive Love Disorder. Apparently it is the belief you love someone and many of the symptoms I know I have while some I don’t. I kind of read that people with low self esteem, depression, ocd and something more like an attachment style anxious-dependent, might develop it. It made me paranoid. And scared, very scared it might be my situation. I became numb and emotionless the more I read. I have been having these feelings like I am lightweighted, in between a feeling like I found an answer but I don’t want that answer to be true. I feel like my head is light but doesn’t feel good. I am not having anxiety apart from the time I was thinking when I woke up and started research about the topic. The more I read about the findings, the more emotionless I was and the less feelings I felt when I thought of him. I thought to myself this is the end. The end for my feelings, the end of the road. I found out about delusional jealousy ( I will put a description bellow), attachment disorder, fear of abandonment, obsessive jealousy (when someone is jealous the other might be cheating, but in my case I am afraid he might cheat if we ever get together and that freaks me out and makes my OCD come up, so not exactly the same as obsessive jealousy but could become in the future if I don’t fix my trust issues) and limerence. So after reading them, I found out many similar symptoms with my issue, but deep down I don’t want to believe. I am scared I have these issues, scared this feeling I have for him are nothing more than an obsession! Afraid I will not love him again and this feeling of emotional numbness is a way of God or myself showing me that it was the answer and now I will move on without these feelings, without him, and I cannot be happy with him. I am afraid I will push him away as well. I am super scared especially because I have no ocd symptoms like anxiety or an urgent need to pray to make things go away. I prayed a bit today but I didn’t feel anything nor a feeling of security. Please, help me understand what is going on. I have been ruminating and trying to find an answer the whole day. But nothing. Not enough people are going through this and not many studies have been done. Is this a product of my OCD? I know there is some kind of obsession here but at the same time I don’t want to hurt him or push him away. Today I even stoped myself of doing some things with fear that it would make this issue real. I am even avoiding looking at a text he sent me because in my mind if I open the text and become in touch with something related to him, that it might be the bottom of the hole for me. I avoid even thinking about him because I do t feel anything but fear. I am aware of the situation that I am obsessed to some degree but would someone with Obsessive Love Disorder feel the same way? Or for them it is not clear? I desperately need help! Please!