I need some advice if anyone is willing to listen. So before i met my husband i was in a relationship with this guy who I knew when i was 13, he was 5 years older then me. When i was 17 we started talking and ended up dating it was a pretty toxic situation but i thought i was happy and was really naive. I had the best sex with him and had a lot of passion/infatuation with him. One night we were asleep and he woke up and kinda forced himself on my when i was still asleep i woke up and did nothing was just pissed off and felt horrible that he would do that to me. Eventually i broke things off with him after a few attempts. After that i was so happy to be single. I had a lot of ROCD in my last relationship but it was about him leaving me or him hurting me or cheating. Then i had talked to a few guys but something weird happened anytime a guy wanted to get close to me or wanted to hook up which I typically was not down for anyways. I was almost like numb or locked up inside if that makes sense like i was afraid of getting close with someone, yet i still would try to be close or flirt or want intimacy but when it came to it in person id freeze and change my mind all of a sudden. So about 6 month after that toxic relationship i was invited to hang out with my best friend at her new boyfriends house whom i had a small crush on but got over that quick, i met my now husband. He had just moved in to her bfs house and we all kinda hung out, then she asked me to hang out the next day as well so i came iver again and hours later they all left and her bfs roommate asked me if id like to stay with him and hang out, so i said yes he made me food and we watched tv then he kissed me and started to get kinda touchy and wanted to obviously do stuff i wasn’t going to do anything with him but then I decided why not it. Its not a bad thing and i can chose to do so if i want. So over time he wanted to hang out with me everyday and i was afraid of being in a new relationship and wasn’t sure what his intentions were but over time he grew on me and we fell for each other, but I remember there were time when we would have sex id force myself to think about other people to get turned on i felt unattracted to him a lot of the time and now looking back i keep thinking maybe i just really was not attracted to him. At this time i was not aware of my OCD and wasn’t really experiencing anything i was just annoyed by him and would question whether or not i wanted to be with him even tho there were moments where i loved him a lot. Anyways now i have ROCD towards my husband i have had this for about 2 years now sometimes it just so hard to know if we have no sexual chemistry or if its my stupid brain and OCD picking at his flaws or maybe its a mic of my ex being a shitty person and causing me to be afraid of intimacy like I’m uncomfortable having sex sometimes i just want to love my husband and enjoy sex instead of feeling numb and not having orgasms and wondering about all of this crap. Anyways if anyone has had similar experiences or knows anything about PTSD, ROCD that would be so helpful. I just don’t know sometimes if what i’m feeling is 100% ROCD.